The Quest to Squash Normalcy

For those who miss me….

2011-04-04T14:27:00.001-05:00

I have a new blog project located at http://thesociallady.blogspot.com

Ctl + Alt + Del

2010-12-05T19:19:00.001-06:00

As many of you often point out, yes, I do work for Microsoft. And yes, from time to time out software will lock up your computer. And yes, this sometimes requires you to restart the computer to solve the problem. Ctl + Alt + Del resets the software.

When we last talked (or when I last dictated my life to you via a diary entry), I was once again contemplating the meaning of life and racking my brain with difficult decisions, including my locale of living and primary job responsibilities. I decided to do a little Ctl + Alt + Del. Reset. Start Over. Re-boot. I turned off my over-analytical brain and just waited to see if the software would re-start and my frozen browser would load.

And it just sorta did.

My director walked me through a job opportunity that would allow me to stay in Chicago and continue managing people. While pondering this, the job that I was really interested in as a product manager for the Latin-American market (that would involve 25% travel time there and would require me to live in Bellevue, WA), was put on hold by HR. I therefore only really had one option, so without even thinking about it – I just did it. Coincidentally, the day after I told my director that I was staying in Chicago and going to take the job, the other job became available. I wasn’t sad, indicating that I made the right choice.

Next up was an apartment. I renewed my lease for an additional month and started viewing apartments. After a long day of seeing places, I had one last apartment that had just come up that day on Craigslist. Since I was back-to-back seeing apartments, I didn’t even map the address before I dictated it to the cab driver. When we stopped at the building, I laughed out loud (literally, not lol) when I realized it was the same building where the Pfaff’s live. We now call the building the dorm, and I can channel my college days by wearing my pajama’s down the stairs to watch 30 rock and ruin our lungs.

In addition to hiring movers, my move was made almost effortless because I have so many wonderful friends. Megan, Ryan, Erin, and Zak helped me unpack my apartment in a record 3 hours, while Erin encouraged me (aka threw away) to minimize my belongings. After my crazy foreign maintenance guy illegally turned on my gas, I was up and rocking in my new, cozy, exposed brick wall apartment.

A new hindrance brought on by the move was the commute, which was part of my reason for moving out of Wicker Park in the first place. Moving back meant I was opening up to the idea of buying a car. After hours of searching on websites for the perfect car, I posted a quick quiz on Facebook to my closest 621 friends. Zak came through, recommending an Acura RDX. I narrowed my search to two cars, emailed them to my father – and walla – he found one. Right price, beautiful car, and I wrote a check over Thanksgiving. Parking at my new apartment is so easy, and I love being able to drive anywhere I want, including work.

As part of the reset, I decided to cancel my online dating account. When I logged on to cancel, someone that I had previously emailed with noticed and reached back out to me. Yes, I was up for a drink and gave him my number. After texting a couple of days, we agreed to meet at Guthrie's at 7pm.

At 7:05pm, a group of people at the other side of the bar that I was talking to asked if I was being stood up, as I had been there for about 20 minutes “waiting for someone”. At 7:30pm, I was calling my 9th friend to plead that they come out and help me drown my “I’ve been stood up” sorrows. Luckily, there was someone already at the bar interested in helping. It was then that a fellow sitting by me at the bar offered to buy me a drink upon overhearing that I had been stood up by the group of folks that had previously inquired. His name is Jeff, and I have butterflies every time we hang out. It’s only been three weeks, but I feel like I’ve known him so much longer.

I did not plan to discontinue blogging while resetting, but it did happen. I felt like this was turning into a diary, and not in the “keeping people up-to-date on my life” kinda way, but more in a “airing my emotional baggage” kinda way. As the final part of the reset, I think it is time to announce a blogging retirement. Not in an official, locking up shop kinda way, but more in an evolution kinda way. I’m sure I will blog again, but not in the same way or format. More to come, and I will update you here when that happens.

Ctl + Alt + Del is not a guarantee that your problem will be solved. Often it refreshes the software, but masks the issue until it rear’s it’s ugly head again. This time around though, I am okay with throwing the computer out the window. Going back to the basics of focusing on myself and the people around me that make life fun. Limited travel, work stays at work and during work hours, cooking, watching movies, music shows, and lazy days on the couch.

Being normal. And not how society defines normal, but how I do.

Home.

2010-09-22T20:39:00.001-05:00

After six week of living in Seattle, I arrived home on Sunday to Chicago. Seattle really consisted of lots of drinking at the Irish bar under my corporate housing, lots of informationals to find a new job, and lots of beautiful sites and weather.

The Irish drinking and eating caused me to gain 5 lbs, but also gained me some good friends, good times, and my name on a plaque on the wall. They had a contest involving drinking 100 drinks in exchange for the plaque, t-shirt, and jacket – which I fully embraced and conquered in four weeks.

The informationals resulted in a lot of people asking me to move to Seattle. If I want to stay at my company and continue to climb the corporate ladder, Seattle needs to be in my future. This has obviously caused a lot of emotional thinking and debating, especially since almost all of my friends live in the midwest or on the east coast. “Home is where the heart is” comes to mind…

The beautiful sites and weather were breathtaking. It didn’t rain much, and when it did it was a drizzle that periodically came and went. Another cheesy quote that comes to mind though is “if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to here it, does it really make a noise?” I went to Mt Rainier and Hurricane Ridge, which was gorgeous and I got great photo’s, but it was sad that no one was there to enjoy it with me.

So add all of those experiences up and I had a drunk, fun, lonely at times, and job confusing six weeks. It is good to be home, but my return to Chicago on Sunday has also been accompanied by job ambiguity and the end of my lease. The entire experience in Seattle, combined with what was awaiting me at home has left me completely confused about what I need to do next.

A quote from one of my wisest friends keeps entering into my head, “You just need to do what will make YOU happy.” Unfortunately, I have always answered that question by saying that my friends make me happy, since they are my family. While that may still be true, I have to stop making decisions based on where my friends are and what they are doing.

Okay, so I buy it. But, now what? I guess just hunker down, get drunk, and try to focus on doing things that I like to do. Hopefully it will just come to me…

Face Lift

2010-09-01T16:57:00.001-05:00

Well, it’s pretty obvious when you come to the blog website – we have upgraded. I was getting really sick of the dots, although artful and trendy, and the “travel” template caught my eye. Not really my first choice, but indicative of my life – since I spend the majority of it in a plane. The fact that I have not yet achieved the mile-high club is really still a shock.

Other than my plea for guys with super large penis’ to get plastic surgery, do you wanna know what else is going under the knife? My career plan.

Part of me being in Seattle is for me to network and learn about new opportunities for my career growth. After a profound networking session last night with one of my 1,342 mentors (my company is a bit ridiculous about career planning), I finally have a plan in place.

1. Stay at my company. It’s super cool to work at with phenomenal benefits. And, they love me, so it is really easy to be me. Since I am getting potentially laid off in the next quarter, I really need to get on top of this one.

2. Industry focus is direct to consumer technology products or direct to advertiser products.

3. Get a well-rounded set of skills to move up the corporate ladder to Director.

4. Once Director, pursue International opportunities to continue to round out skills to move up to General Manager.

That is a very, very simple way to describe my long term action plan. However, my motto for career planning is also “plan first but flow loose” – so that even though I do have a plan, you never know when the right opportunity is going to put a kink in your plan.

For those of you waiting with baited breath to find out where I will be living, sorry, no updates there just yet. I do have three buckets of potential – International, Seattle, and Chicago. The ranking of those changes every day, but after last nights information – Chicago is in the running, followed by Seattle, and ending with International.

Fine Print Apology: I apologize for anyone that was offended by my last blog entry where I repeated talked about penis size. It is pretty obvious what category of penis size you (or if you are female your current lover/boyfriend) fall into if you are complaining about it.

How Do You Hang?

2010-08-29T23:05:00.001-05:00

Whenever a group of ladies gets together, especially when there is a single gal in the group, there is a discussion about size. The size of their pole, banana, enchilada, whatever you choose to call it. Penis.

The topic of conversation this weekend was guys that are too large. And yes, there is such a thing. All of the ladies I talked to had at one point dated a guy that was too large. The line is drawn when sex starts becoming difficult or uncomfortable and when BJs are completely out the window. As Snooki on the infamous Jersey Shore says “It’s like putting a watermelon into a pinhole.”

I experienced such a situation recently in Seattle. I actually snuck out of a guys apartment in the morning because I just knew that there was no way we could date, his lizard was just way too long. He has since stalked me and found me on Facebook, although he didn’t know my last name, and has been constantly asking me out on dates. I wonder if you can get plastic surgery on a love muscle to make it smaller – like a nose job for down below.

I honestly feel very sorry for guys that have either of the extremes – too small or too long of a pork sword. Some ladies say it doesn’t matter as long as they know how to use it – but there are some things you just can’t work around.

Seattle: Week 1

2010-08-17T00:18:00.001-05:00

After my whirlwind month of July drinking, my body was extremely upset with me. My shoulder hurt and I was exhausted. It started to show, the first day I got to Seattle. My throat was a little scratchy, and sure enough – I got sick. I blamed it on having to sleep with the windows open (they don’t have AC here), but it was probably my body proving to me that I needed to go to sleep at 8pm and sleep 12 hours every night.

After a long week of going to bed early, I was feeling much better on Friday, just in time for the weekend. It was a beautiful day in Seattle, and my college roommate Kdawg texted me that she was at the beach. I met up with her and two of her friends and we demolished three bottles of wine while watching the sunset.

I met up with my friend Cork and his girlfriend, who were on a pub crawl raising money for her breast cancer walk. It was called Boozin’ for Boobies and we had a ton of buttons and funny stickers to sell. I met a boy at one of the bars and ended up with my first Seattle hook-up, one that ended with me sneaking out at 8am to find my way home.

At noon, I was still a bit hung-over but I had a BBQ to attend at the beach. It was a great time, and we followed it up at a local watering hole called the Water Wheel, which turned into a full on sing-a-thon.

The next day I could’ve slept all day, but the lack of AC made me wake up earlier than usual. I decided to take advantage of the day and head out to Mt Rainier National Park. One thing you should know if you ever go there, the signs are a bit misleading. There isn’t a sign that tells you – “park entrance”, so you have to know exactly what the names of the entrances are, or else you will drive for 2 extra hours, waste all your gas, and almost get stranded without cell service in the middle of nowhere. Just sayin’, in case you go.

Once I determined where the damn entrance was, it was gorgeous. There are a ton of different hikes you can go on, and they all have great mountain views.

Other than the fact that I was constantly chased by bugs during the hike, and consequently anyone who saw me hiking probably thought I had hiking turrets, it was a beautiful day.

Work is a killer, I am working on a pretty ambitious project for the next five weeks. I am optimistic that it will turn out well. What I am a little more questionable about is my future, as we are getting closer and closer to the October timeframe where the job will end. I need to make a decision and find out what I want to do next, especially if that “next” doesn’t happen to be in Chicago.

Rockstar Status Confirmed

2010-08-09T00:54:00.001-05:00

As I sit on my flight to Seattle to live there for 6 weeks, I ponder on how I survived the last three weeks. Technically, I have a rotator cuff injury, so I did come out a little scathed.

Feeling tired and exhausted? Just check out what I’ve been up to.

July 14: Saw the Swell Season (from the movie Once!) at Ravinia
July 15: Blind date with dork from Match
July 16: Cubs game for Julie’s birthday; Rebecca and Mel in town
July 17: Beach volleyball during the day, Julie’s 30th bday party at night
July 18: Pitchfork Music festival all day
July 19: 8am flight to Atlanta for Microsoft’s Global Conference
July 20: 8am all day meeting, followed by a party in Olympic Park. Ended the night with a 50 person party at a bar in Atlanta, followed by closing down the Hotel Palomar bar with bottle service (2:30am).
July 21: 8am all day meeting at Phillips Arena (I showed up at 10ish), followed by a party at a private bar and closing down the Hotel Palomar bar with bottle service. Ended the night with a hotel room party and mini-bar (5am).
July 22: 8am all day meeting followed by huge party with a DJ and live band karaoke. Hit up a gay bar in Atlanta for dancing, and closed down the Hotel Palomar bar with bottle service (3am).
July 23: Skipped the morning meetings, and showed up at 11am to Phillips Arena. Private concert by the Black Eyed Peas in Olympic Park, followed by a hotel room party with 40 ppl and a ton of booze. Got kicked out of two hotel rooms and ended up partying in the hotel gym. (4am).
July 24: 9am flight home that was delayed three hours, and immediately upon landing ran home to change into a bathing suit for Kelly’s bachelorette party. Met at the dock at 3pm, and then back at Kelly’s at 8pm for drinking and dancing. Ended the night at a late night bar and the Small Bar bartenders apartment (5am).
July 25: Brunch with a friend who was in town, followed by cleaning my apartment and dinner with my parents.
July 26: Lunch with my parents
July 27: Work offsite followed by happy hour at Navy Pier and late night drinking at the Gage (1am).
July 28: Work offsite followed by happy hour at Castaways and late night drinking at Weeds Tavern (3am). Pack for vacation!
July 29: 8am flight to Knoxville, rented a house in Gatlinburg for vacation. Shoulder started to hurt.
July 30: Took shots of 5 hour energy at dinner so that we could be awesome and play flip cup/beer pong hybrid game.
July 31: Got incredibly intoxicated and blacked out.
Aug 1: Did not go hiking (one of my goals of the vacation) because I was so hungover.
Aug 2: Flight home to Chicago.
Aug 4: Dinner and drinks with Shauna, Cookie, and Jessie followed by a concert at the Empty Bottle.
Aug 6: Went to chiropractor and discovered I have a rotator cuff issues. Board games and drinks with friends in town from Cincinnati.
Aug 7: Cubs game at 12pm, followed by cooking out for Mofo’s birthday and her 30th birthday party at Five Star. Ended the night at Nick’s, where I apparently picked up a boy since I woke up at his apartment.
Aug 8: Pack! 6pm Flight to Seattle, where I am going to live for 6 weeks.

That was exhausting, just typing. In addition to the rotator cuff injury, I also had a time period where my eye was constantly twitching from lack of sleep and drinking too much energy drink.

I will fill you in on the fun details and include pics later!

Spikeball

2010-07-12T23:26:00.001-05:00

My guy friends keep making fun of me, saying that I am inventing games – Can Jam, etc – but this one actually looks really fun.

Even better, my friend Chris is the President, and he is a super cool guy. Check it out! www.spikeball.com.

She’s Baaacccckkkk!

2010-07-12T22:27:00.001-05:00

After a short break of being a drunk fool on the weekends, I am back! Whew. That was a close one. I thought I was actually getting mature and growing up.

Due to my lack of desire to write of late (which is hopefully also gone), I did not mention or write about my latest fling, Big Pumpkin.

You may remember someone named Midnight Caller that Cookie dated back in 2009, at the same time that I was dating “Warm Body”. We upgraded Midnight Caller to a new nickname after I wrote that post, and he became known as “Pumpkin” because he only called after midnight. We ran into Pumpkin at a bar in April, and he introduced me to his brother, who we affectionately referred to as Big Pumpkin.

Big Pumpkin and I hung out every weekend night after we met, up until my birthday. I put the smack down and told him that we weren’t just going to hook up, but that we actually needed to go on dates. I was 30 now, after all.

After a couple of dates and weekends together in May and June, I decided that it just wasn’t working out. He was really quiet and shy, and wasn’t really driving the relationship at all. I decided to end it in the mature way, via email.

This past weekend I had so much fun, and I think it was a combination of not having to text or try to avoid Big Pumpkin and me not caring about boys and just wanting to have fun. I completely threw myself at two different guys, but it doesn’t matter since I was practically blacked out when I did it!

Friday I had sushi with Mofo and Ronald, but then stayed in so that I could save up on weight watcher points. Saturday I did a 10 mile bike ride and 2 mile walk/run, which also gave me additional points to spend. Saturday night I went to Lacey’s wedding shower and took way too many vodka’s to the face. I ended up at the Hangee Upee with Penny and her boy, and we ran into a bunch of OU folks. I completely threw myself at one OU guy that I knew while we were at school. I don’t remember how it all went down, but I do know that I was unsuccessful in my attempt.

Sunday I woke up with a slight hangover, and logged in my weight watcher points. I was excited that I had extra points, so I decided to go out and spend those on beer. I watched the world cup game with Nick, Dustin, and Jim and we played golden tee and Cornhole. Pfaffster’s came out and joined us, and we went to West Fest.

I don’t remember getting home, but after I called off work today, I found someone’s wallet on my table (no, not a hook up, but someone named Karen. I think I found it in a cab?) and the last thing I remember is being at Five Star with Dustin. All I had eaten that day was a Greek omelet, so I was hammered. My only satisfaction is knowing that Dustin was hammered as well, so if I did throw myself at him like I think I did, hopefully he forgets.

It’s good to be back friends.

The Demise of Sex and the City

2010-07-12T22:15:00.001-05:00

The show that we loved for more than a decade has gone down in flames. The SATC 2 movie was the worst movie I have seen in a very long time. The writing was terrible and the jokes weren’t even funny. Yuck.

I think this article does a great job of summarizing how I felt about the movie:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/burkas-and-birkins/Content?oid=4132715

The End of a Stomach Era

2010-07-01T09:50:00.001-05:00

Some of you may remember back in October 2008 when my crazy ass doctor prescribed three months of non-drinking. Knowing that I am a drinker, this just wouldn’t do.

Two doctor’s later – today marks the end of the stomach era for me.

During the past two years, I have discovered and cured H. Pylori, gone on an unsuccessful and on and off non-gluten and non-dairy diet, and I have given specimen samples that I care not to mention.

Today, it will all end.

I go under the knife at 11:45am for a “double header” of two scopes. They will verify if I am allergic to gluten, and rule out any explanation for my stomach ails. If this turns up completely negative all around, I am allergic to dairy. The extremely uncomfortable part is that I have been on a liquid diet since Tuesday, and my last “meal” of chicken broth was last night at 5pm. Since then I have been drinking a “solution” that has been emptying out my stomach all night.

I am excited to just have this over and crossed off my list, so that I can turn my focus back to the 100’s of other things I want to waste a ton of insurance money on fixing. Ahhhh, the life of an insecure 30 something with an awesome insurance plan.

Wish me luck!

Where I’ve Been…

2010-06-08T22:07:00.001-05:00

Lazy, lazy, lazy. I just haven’t felt like writing!

Here is what I’ve been up to:

White Sox: On my actual birthday, I went to the White Sox game with Jessie, Jermaine, and Abbey. We had a blast running around the South Side and causing havoc at the game.

Klamo, No Lamo – Fist Pump – Shots, Shots, Shots, Shot, Shots Shuffle: The next day we had a bar crawl for my birthday, ending at Louie’s, my favorite karaoke bar. Lots of fist pumping and lots of shots, especially on the shot ski at the Hofbrauhaus.

Bri and Monika’s Birthday: After a delicious pasta meal, we ended the night at the Beauty Bar, which might be one of my new favorite places.

Lost Season Finale: I hosted a Lost season finale party, and I was pretty hopped up on rum to really enjoy the finale. I disliked the religious cop out ending, and the immense amounts of unanswered questions.

Shake & Bake 2010: For those of you that have never been to a Julie Mann planned event, you have seriously missed out. Not only is it super organized, but it is accompanied by drunken fun.

Other than my Charlotte folks, I haven’t seen a ton of y’all lately. What have you been up to?

Talk Derby to Me…

2010-05-19T16:03:00.001-05:00

I AM A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT.

No excuses for taking this long to write a blog entry in May. I blame Erin’s bday, my bday (twice celebrated), Bri’s bday, and Monika’s bday. Oh yeah, and Big Pumpkin for taking me on a date (finally!). Okay, that is a peek into what you will see in the next 3 entries, but here goes with entry #1.

The Kentucky Derby.

I was nervous going into the weekend. A big event like the Derby, with 12 people relying on our coordination, and my 30th birthday. Lots of reason to be nervous – especially since I had absolutely no control over the situation. I woke up without an alarm at 7am the day of the trip, excited and ready to go. I left my apartment 30 minutes early to pick up the rental car. I made great time, and only had to stop to pee once. These are all paranormal activities for me.

I arrived early to an extremely spotless house (I swear Mel cleans with a toothbrush) and started drinking Champaign. We sat outside in the nice weather and enjoyed hanging out and drinking.

I was double fisting with water because I was getting pretty drunk pretty fast, and knew there were shot glasses with my name on them (literally).

We huddled into the living room for a video from my friends in Chicago (I will post it when I figure out how to do that). Tears were flowing (damn, Champaign), and the video was followed up with gifts (the orchid is still alive!), cards, and booze. They made 85 shot glasses for me (bulk buying is the way to go!) and made a shot called the “Lorraine”:

Combine all ingredients, shake. Take shot, then eat cherry.

1 oz Southern Comfort 1 oz Cherry Brandy 1 oz Bourbon 1 cherry

Then we went to dinner at a great Italian place. They decorated the table, and prepared for me a “roast or toast” where everyone went around and gave me a toast or a roast.

The toasts were awesome, although I really wish we recorded them since I was slightly intoxicated at the time. Julie even wrote me a play!

The “roasts” didn’t really work out so well – Tansky decided reading my first blog entries was a good idea, especially since I pretty much just whined about everyone at the table not hanging out with me because I was single, and then got even more depressed that I would be single forever. Then, Bobo kicked me off the fantasy football team because the boys want to do a weekend away with just the boys for the draft. Um, there aren’t 41 other weekends in the year boys? Get yo shit together and have another boys weekend.

Then we went to a karaoke spot (of course) where I belted out Janis. Satisfied.

The next day we faced the storm that just wouldn’t quit. It rained all. day. long. That didn’t stop us from drinking mint juleps and having a grand ole time at the Derby.

The boys even had a slip and slide in the infield, which was right by a mud wrestling pit.

We returned to Mel’s place to play Rock Band, eat pizza, and catch up with my brother and his fiance. Last stop on Sunday, was to wear our pajama’s to the famous brunch place – Lynn’s Paradise Cafe. Delicious!

All in all – a fabulous 30th birthday weekend!

Deshperately Sheeking Ishlandic Ash

2010-04-22T14:22:00.001-05:00

Guest blogger number two! Thanks to Chris (aka “The Bloke”) for his thoughts on this damn volcanic ash. Can you hear his accent through the words?___________________________________________________________

With the sudden dearth of terrorist attacks and celebrity deaths, the focus of the world’s media has been firmly leveled upon the new terror of the skies, volcanic ash. Doom mongers and apocalypse watchers never saw this coming, meteors and plague yes, but who could have really suspected that the End of Days would come in the form of the crippling of our air transportation system. Europe has turned into an Armageddon of migrants, forced to resort to the third world transits of automobile and train. There are horror stories of pitched riots in Madrid airport as people rush to rationed flights for the sick and the young. People have been encouraged to tweet on their prolonged sojourns in such ghastly hovels as Shanghai and Paris. Even the Royal Navy has been scrambled(I’m serious) to rescue marooned vacationers on the continent, the English middle class reduced to a flotilla of refugees more commonly seen off the coast of Florida. The British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, in the face of an upcoming election, has adopted Churchillian rhetoric and praised, “the spirit and resilience of the British people shown at its best,” not apparently seen since the Second World War.

And how much sympathy do I have for these vagrants? None. In fact I can categorically state without hesitation, fuck them. We shouldn’t be looking upon them with pity, but instead with a searing envious rage, what lucky bastards. “Oh no! I’m stuck in Paris for another week. I’ll be forced to sip Café au laits in Montparnasse, ogling the femmes and tweeting on what a terrible ordeal it is.” And what better excuse to dip out of work for a week than one that is plastered on the front of every media source? “Terrible luck this volcanic ash boss. No I’m afraid working remotely is impossible, not much wifi in the Swiss Alps but the duck confit is delish.” And how brave one must sound as they struggle to get home via some inconceivable routing, “Yes might make it back on Friday, they’re rerouting me through Fiji and Bangkok, it’s a nightmare.” My advice, don't go anywhere you don't want to get stuck in.

No such fun for us in Chicago though, the adventure taking place elsewhere has only devolved into toilet humor. A rather unwitty friend pointed out that the more one says volcanic ash, the more one starts to sound like a perverse Sean Connery. Cue childish hilarity as you try to get your mouth round ‘shpewing volcanic ash, Mish Moneypenny’, I even went as far to mention a ‘young Ishlandic boy’s ash.’ But for the nadir of ash insensitivity one only has to look to Fox News. Last December as tons of ash fell on villages in the Philippines causing respiratory and skin disease for the locals, Fox News anchor Mike Cohen cheerfully commented that at least “they’re having a White Christmas.” What a dickhead.

Back in the Saddle Again

2010-04-21T15:10:00.001-05:00

Thus begins a series of guest bloggers! The first is a great follow up to my post about being stood up…examining the world of dating from our perspective - “our” being us late 20-something ladies who are struggling trusting anyone in this city of prospective douche bags.

First up – a lovely guest blogger who will remain nameless. You want to guest blog? You know where to find me.

_________________________________________________________

Horseback riding must be really really hard. The term “back in the saddle” has been going through my mind a lot lately and I realize that people only ever say this when they are referring to something that is not easy, maybe even dangerous. There are plenty of risks to consider before hopping back on that saddle, especially after you realize that it has been a really long time since you have even considered wanting to.

Recently, I encountered a nice, young colt, or at least he appears to be nice enough. There is something I find very inviting about him. I look at him and I see a saddle, and that hasn’t happened for me in a very long time. Understandably, I am scared out of my mind to even approach, to even think about taking the reigns and jumping up there to ride. As much as I see myself getting up there, I also see myself plummeting to the ground.

So, as most good stories begin, I met this boy. We have hung out a few times over the past month or so. It is going well and I think I could like him, but in the back of my mind, all I’m ever thinking is “I am going to get crushed.”

I’m too much of a coward to ask him what he thinks about me and I’m too afraid of scaring him off to tell him what I think of him. We play this game where neither one of us can admit to being too invested in whatever it is that is going on. We can make these fake future plans and have future conversations, but there is always an undertone of sarcasm just in case one of us is taking it more seriously than the other. I mean, do I really believe that we’re just going to hop in his car and drive up to Wisconsin one day just because I like cheese and football?

I can’t place all of the blame on him though because I’m the one who looks away when he makes eye contact for too long. I’m the one who pretends I don’t know what certain comments mean and then quickly changes the subject to something completely random. I am the coward, but this is where the big question comes in. Is he just too scared to admit his feelings for me OR do those feelings not even exist?

Sometimes we create these scenarios in our mind where things are much more complicated than they seem. We can convince ourselves that he’s not calling because he doesn’t want to appear too available. He doesn’t want to tell you he likes you because he will look too clingy. We get it in our minds that he actually puts thought behind every single action because that is what we do. It’s possible that his only thought process is to determine exactly how much work he has to put in to convince you to sleep with him. After that … *crash*.

When we live and date in a time where people are getting broken up with via text/email and getting stood up after making plans electronically, I think it’s normal to have some hesitation before jumping up there. It’s a long drop from the top.

DontDateHimGirl.com

2010-04-19T17:54:00.001-05:00

Many of you are not familiar with my new website where I post boys that are douche bags.

You can enjoy Roger’s profile here: http://dontdatehimgirl.com/posts/283849/

The Ups and Downs of Being Stood Up

2010-04-19T15:50:00.001-05:00

I’ve been really trying to not whine about guys too much on this blog, but who are we kidding? Guys are jerks, and as long as they continue to act like 5 year olds, I will unfortunately have to continue whining about them.

The latest installment in the life of Lori? I was stood up. Twice. Seriously.

The first time happened a couple of weeks ago with a gentleman that I met off of the interwebs. Due to this, we were communicating solely through email and did not exchange numbers. I blame him for this, of course, since he never asked for my number nor gave him his.

Anyhow, we were supposed to meet at 7pm at Violet Hour on a Tuesday night. I was running late, mainly due to the bipolar weather in Chicago making me run back upstairs and change before jumping in a cab. I emailed him as such, and arrived 10 minutes late to the bar. I put in my name with the hostess and she sat me at a table. One fancy whiskey an hour later, lots of doubt – followed by self pity – ending with anger, and I gave up and met up with Cookie and Ronald for trivia and drinks.

Fine. It happens. He actually emailed me the next day in response to my email saying I was running late. He said he had emailed me to let me know that he had food poisoning and that according to his sent file that it went out. I did not receive such an email. He said he’s been having trouble with his email. Sure.

Second time was this weekend. This time, I didn’t handle it so well. Remember the Mac’s guy that I met during March Madness? We have been texting, talking, dating since the initial meeting. We were supposed to hang out on Saturday, and I had talked to him every day the week before. Friday we were texting back and forth about the hockey game. Then, radio silence. The familiar stages reared their ugly heads again.

Doubt:

4:30pm: Text to see what he wanted to do that evening. Wondering, why haven’t I heard from him?
7:30pm: Leave him a message letting him know that I am going to go ahead and eat dinner since I haven’t heard from him. Does he still want to hang out?
7:35pm: Ask Jessica to call and text me to make sure my phone wasn’t broken.

Self Pity:

7:45pm: Order a hamburger, fries, and a mac and cheese pizza. Yes, the order minimum at this place was $20, but seriously – talk about emotional eating.
8:02pm: Text every single person I know in town to see if they want to go out drinking with me.
8:45pm: Convince Cookie to drink with me, and spend the first hour whining about how I will be alone forever.

Anger:

10:54pm: Run into a guy that knows Roger, ask him if he knows if he is out tonight. Guy doesn’t seem surprised when I say that he stood me up, since he said Roger was a player.
12:04am: Text Roger and let him know that I know he is a player and what an ass he is. Sooooo mature.
12:35pm Sunday: Write up a profile of him on dontdatehimgirl.com. Include a picture.
12:45pm Sunday: Text him the URL, along with a quip about him being an ass.

As you can tell, by Sunday afternoon maturity was oozing from my bones. Thankfully Julie came over and dragged my ass for a run/walk on the lake, or I would’ve eaten the rest of the mac and cheese pizza in one sitting and watched “Once” on repeat with a box of kleenex.

Seriously. What is it with these guys? Remember Don-bag that Jessie dated? He pulled the same thing. How do you date someone, make plans with them, and then just drop off the face of the earth? It is so easy to text someone and blow them off. Guys are such wimps anymore that they can’t even do that?

Lazy, emotionally unavailable, douche bags.

The Union of Two Pizza Lovers

2010-04-16T12:23:00.001-05:00

Last weekend was Hope and PJ’s wedding, which was full of love, celebration, drinks, and blood. Tom’s blood, that is.

Other than the usual dancing and being crazy drunks, Scott decided to step it up a notch this celebration and check Tom into the bar the night before the wedding. This resulted in Tom biting through his bottom lip with his left incisor. Being the strong man that he is, he decided not to go to the hospital, so he was in serious pain (and bleeding) a mere hour before the wedding. Considering that he was a groomsman, that made for a difficult Saturday afternoon.

Despite the injuries, everything else was completely awesome. We ate a ton of fried pickles and pita pit, and ended the weekend at a drive-thru zoo. AND, Mel kept her clothes on! Weird, I know.

Friday night – fried pickles at Al Mike’s and a visit to the Corner Pub!

Tom is on the left, BEFORE being checked into the bar.

The Catholic mass that we heckled from the back row.

Table 15 – the troublemakers

The late night dancing

The drive-thru zoo - This guy was trying to lick Scott

Crazy Emu’s!

The Boys Are Back In Town

2010-03-27T13:46:00.001-05:00

Just when I was getting settled into my path to winning my New Year’s Resolutions – blogging, traveling less (or in a more calculated way), and trying to be a better friend – along comes some men to mix up my world.

Mac’s Guy: In all the years that we have been going to Mac’s to watch sporting events and get completely hammered, it is surprising that I have not used “Mac’s guy” as a nickname until now.

Last Thursday, we went into Mac’s to watch the tournament play, where my very own school, Ohio U, played Georgetown and WON. As if that wasn’t shocking enough, while we were there we ran into a guy that used to watch football with us every once in awhile. He immediately asked me on a date for the following night, and I figured – why not? He was cute and liked to drink.

On Friday we went to El Barca for dinner, and shared margaritas and a huge seafood platter. It turns out that he actually has a great job, a pit/boxer mix cute ass dog, and seems to be a great guy who always helps out others. We ended the night with my friends at Floyds, and they were all gushing about how much they liked him.

EB: On St. Paddy’s Day weekend, I whirled in from Costa Rica the night before, and was definitely not thinking about men – especially since I had sand flea bites all over my legs. I was even thinking less about men after we got to the party, where there were only 2 single guys there – both of them my good guy friends. We are definitely getting old, and our friends are getting married.

Later that night, we ended up at Moonshine dancing the night away, seriously sweating, fist pumping, and spilling drinks. It was Stavros’ last night on the town before he moved to Greece, so he met us up with some of his friends from high school. I completely clicked with one of the, whom we will refer to as EB (Eco Businessman). The problem – he does not live in Chicago. As he left on Sunday to drive back to his home, I tried to put it behind me and forget about him.

Of course, we have been texting and talking on the phone ever since, and he is coming to visit next weekend.

So, who wins the big bracket challenge between the two? That is a difficult question. I think EB would win hands down, just because we had a ton of fun and have some much in common, especially when it comes to work and our careers. However, he doesn’t live in Chicago. Mac’s Guy is fun, but I feel like he might be a bit needy, since he just got out of a relationship. Nothing worse than a needy man always begging for attention – blah.

I am hanging out with Mac’s Guy tonight, and EB next weekend – so I guess only time will tell!

P.S. Did you know that the Tin Lizzie, the bar where I got puked on by a Lincoln Park drunk ass Cubs fan, is probably named after Thin Lizzie – the Irish band that sang “The Boys Are Back in Town”?

Costa Rica: The Wedding

2010-03-21T03:20:00.001-05:00

The second we stepped out of the shuttle in Manuel Antonio, we knew one thing for sure – it was HOT. High 90’s and humidity. However, the beauty of the villas and resort was enough to overcome. We were all in sweet villas that surrounded the pool with ocean views.

The first night we got there, we were welcomed by a cocktail reception where we got to meet the other wedding attendees. People were in the pool almost immediately, fully clothed. We all changed into suits, ordered pizza, and commenced the first pool party of many.

During the course of the night, security came to keep us company, and we became good friends. They were hired to stop the guerillas from coming in and robbing the villas, not to stop us from boozing, so they were big advocates of our party. Tom was a trained sniper and Ariel was his 21 year old sidekick.

I was playing wing man for a friend that liked Tom, and ended the night in a hot tub with Ariel, who didn’t speak any English. It was great practice for my Spanish, but the poor boy was in love with me, “No beso por favor”.

The next day the boys went deep sea fishing (where one guy on each of the three boats was sick the entire time) while we got mani’s and pedi’s in Kendra’s villa. The rehearsal dinner was at a restaurant overlooking the water at sunset.

Wedding day involved a lot of drinking for me, while everyone else prepared the bride. The wedding was on the beach at sunset, and everyone ate dinner at a long beautiful table.

Getting to the ‘Rica

2010-03-18T11:00:00.001-05:00

Last week we embarked on a journey to Costa Rica to witness the nuptials of my friends Matt and Kendra.

The trip started similar to others – anxious last minute packing and excitedly riding to O’Hare. I was flying Mexicana air for the first time, and there were two reasons this worked in our favor:

1. This week coincided with Notre Dame’s spring break. Mexicana is cheap, hence, lots of Spring Breakers on our flight.

2. Free booze until they run out.

Us, being the ~~alcoholics~~ prepared travelers that we are, bought 3 oz airplane bottles and filled them with vodka – just in case. So we had double the booze for our trip.

By the time Jessica and I busted out the travel scrabble with our new 21 year old friend, we were already buzzed enough to forget about our dismal 4 hour layover in Mexico City. There wasn’t enough queso, cerveza, or tequila in that airport to make it a happy place. No one spoke English, and they refused to tell us where our gate was.

We ended up getting cerveza and tequila shots to go in a Styrofoam cup while our flight was delayed 10 times and the gate changed 20 times. Eventually we just sat in the middle of the airport with people who spoke English and shared our tequila with them, praying we would figure out when and where our plane was departing from.

Jon was lucky enough to sit next to a French man who put his roller carry on in his lap to use as a pillow, Shauna had a child kicking the back of her seat the whole time, I had two men that were having a conversation over me and using up the arm rests, and Jessica got really tanked.

By the time we arrived in San Jose at 3am, we were not happy campers to find out the hotel shuttle wasn’t there, and everyone was trying to scam us for a ride. Thankfully, we found our way to the hotel and they even reimbursed us for the cab ride.

The hotel was attached to a casino called the “Fiesta” and a Denny’s, both of which attracted drunk Jessica’s attention. Logic prevailed, and we all went to sleep, eagerly anticipating our 3 hour shuttle ride to Manuel Antonio the next morning.

Motivation

2010-03-16T13:56:00.001-05:00

I am really lacking motivation this week.

I can’t tell if it is a result of being exhausted from baking in the sun of Costa Rica last week.

OR – from the rocking St Paddy’s Day partying that lasted from 1pm – 4am (damn time change).

OR – my exhausting job which is testing my patience this week. Testing.

OR – I am tired again. Tired.

Regardless, I am lacking motivation to write blog posts. I am going to crank up some pandora and see if I can regain it. I will give you a hint of the stories that lie ahead:

A friend of mine got a Valentine’s day gift that was legendary.
Another friend got a phone call from a girlfriend of a gentleman that she met last weekend. The GF was none to happy. What a jerk.
I met a boy that I really liked, but he lives in Toledo. AND, he is friends with the aforementioned cheater.
There is a 21 year old in Manuel Antonio Costa Rica who is in love with me – and doesn’t speak English.
There is a older Costa Rican man who is in love with my friend, and also doesn’t type English very well at all.
I have mites. On my legs. Ew.

23 is the new 25

2010-02-28T17:28:00.001-06:00

When I was in Seattle last week having drinks with my friends, they commented about the hilarity of my blog back when I was going on really bad dates and hooking up. I felt the need to oblige them by hitting the bars hard on Saturday, looking for trouble.

The evening started innocently enough, drinks with friends at Old Town Ale House (OTAH), which is by far one of the best bars EVER. They only have jazz on the juke box, make a mean Manhattan, and have a ton of awesome (and naked women) art all over the walls. My buddy Jessica was in from Canada (boo hockey) and we were hanging with her friends.

Around 1am, things weren’t getting crazy enough for a full blog post, and I was aching for a microphone in my hand. We hailed a cab to Louie’s so that I could belt out some Janis. I ended up starting a frat boy fan club with my illustrious voice, but didn’t follow through with their flirtations.

I got in a cab to go home when the bar closed at 2:30, destination – home. As I drove past OTAH, I remembered that they were open until 4 or 5am, so I instructed the cabbie to stop, and got out to have another Manhattan (because I needed one).

This Manhattan is exactly what attracted my potential suitor, as he was surprised to see a woman taking one back at 3am. He was attentive and nice, asking me a ton of questions about my likes and dislikes. I didn’t even think to ask his age, I thought he looked around 25 or 26. Baby Mountain lion, definitely not Meer cat or muskrat.

He gave me his number and had to walk his drunk roommate home. He offered to walk me home after he dropped off his roommate, but I declined. Then I did something ~~stupid~~ questionable, and text him my address. Nothing else, just my address. He text back that he would be there in 15 min.

When he arrived, we had a drink at my bar and then went up to the roof to watch the sun come up. Only then did I think to ask him his age. TWENTY. THREE.

I’ll just go ahead and end this post there.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2010-02-27T16:48:00.001-06:00

As many of you might remember, I will have a job change meeting me in the future. I am not worried about where I will fall, I trust that my company loves me enough to find me something. I had anticipated that the job change wouldn’t happen until the beginning of next year.

However, while I was in Seattle this week, I had the opportunity to meet with a couple of our top leaders in the org and chat with them about my situation. While there will be opportunities available to me regardless of where I go, I can’t discount the items that are out there because I feel an obligation to see through to the end.

My favorite quote from the conversation was “The ship is sinking, but you didn’t sink the ship.” While you should always leave a job better than when you got there, you can’t hold yourself accountable for a problem that you didn’t create.

Change is gonna come.

“Still don’t know what I was waiting for

And my time was running wild

A million dead-end streets and

Every time I thought I’d got it made

It seemed the taste was not so sweet” – David Bowie

While change is inevitable in my current situation, I do feel like the things I have been focusing on may not be so sweet. Jobs will change, salary will either go up or remain the same. Same taste in my mouth. Sure, financial security and a job that doesn’t suck is sweet, but maybe not as sweet as what I am looking for.

“So I turned myself to face me

But I’ve never caught a glimpse

Of how the others must see the faker

I’m much too fast to take that test” – David Bowie

What I think is more important is not the size of the bank account or items that you can pay for – whether it’s vacations, trips to see friends, or celebrations. It’s how others perceive you. Friends, Family, Co-workers, and strangers that you meet along the way. How you are morally – drunk or sober.

What I continue to struggle with is the balance between being true to yourself and being perceived a certain way. I have had a low self-confidence in the past and have been worried about how others view me. The more important thing is figuring out who you are and who you want to be, and making sure that perception is what is being heard and felt.

Damn. Why is life so difficult. I need a drink.

The Reason for the Season

2010-02-11T22:29:00.001-06:00

Last year I explored Valentine’s Day from a literal sense, examining the definition and how it came about. When you actually read about it – it kind of makes sense.

When I opened my browser to write this post, I originally titled it “The Holiday that Needs to Die”. However, when I went back and read why the holiday came about, it just makes sense.

If you are with someone that makes you happy, why shouldn’t you celebrate it? People argue that you should always celebrate it and be happy, but with our busy lives – sometimes we need an official holiday to remind us.

Sure, society has morphed it – but hell, what hasn’t society warped? And yes, singles act like idiots and chase desperate tail. And, women set traps for their significant others about what they “want” for “their” holiday. Barf.

Good luck out there people – society has made this holiday a bitch, so remember the reason for the season! (and no, it’s not Jesus)

The Power of a Mic

2010-02-08T22:18:00.001-06:00

Most of you know of my addiction to karaoke. You may think I am joking when I say that I am “addicted”, but all the signs are there.

Tolerance - the need to engage in the addictive behavior more and more to get the desired effect. I have karaoke’d at least once a week this month. That is more than I karaoke’d in all of 2008. I probably sang over 40 songs. Without a flinch.

Withdrawal happens when the person does not take the substance or engage in the activity. I am shaking as I type this, and I karaoke’d yesterday.

Difficulty cutting down or controlling the addictive behavior. Other than strategically resting my vocal cords so that I can continue singing high notes like Janis Joplin, my life has become a soundtrack. Unfortunately I am limited to certain songs on my Wii Karaoke Revolution game, so my soundtrack consists of The Fray and The Killers. See – I am even lowering my musical standards in exchange for karaoke.

Social, occupational or recreational activities becoming more focused around the addiction, and important social and occupational roles being jeopardized. Cab-aoke, Jeff’s Bucket Shop, Louie’s, Wii Karaoke Revolution, Band Hero (where I do all the singing). My Saturday nights have revolved around karaoke. I almost got into a fight with a guy at Jeff’s Bucket Shop for cutting in front of me in line with the DJ. Withdrawal from karaoke makes me crazy, and might ultimately result in me being single forever.

The first step is admitting that you have a problem. I am addicted to karaoke. I love the beer smelling, disgusting microphone – that 50 other drunk frat boys have slobbered all over. I love choosing a song, strategically anticipating which song will result in the loudest screaming and drunken singing from the audience. I love screaming at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice, pretending like I am Janis Joplin (so not).

Do I quit? Do I try to thwart my addiction by moving on to another? When is too much?

Whenever I think I am addicted to alcohol, I like to look at someone who is worse off than me – really messing up their life because of alcohol. That makes me feel better about over-consuming. I believe I can do the same with karaoke.

In the Philippines, people get killed or in brawls over picking the wrong song, or singing it better than someone else. See! I’ve never killed anyone over a karaoke song, merely tried to start a fight over a line jump. I wasn’t really going to hit him, he was bigger than me!

Problem solved. I am addicted to karaoke, but not as bad as other people. Therefore, I don’t have to quit. Whew.

Love ‘em for who they are, or get off the pot.

2010-02-08T13:46:00.001-06:00

“You have to love him for who he is, not for his potential.”

Those were wise words from Becca Moody, which I heard Friday evening while sitting on my couch watching Californication.

All too often we meet guys who almost fit the bill. Sometimes there are physical attributes we wish were different. Sometimes we wish they would be more motivated. Sometimes they do things when they are drunk that we don’t believe in.

Regardless of what the list is of things you dislike about someone else, you have the weigh the scale of how much the shortfall disagrees with your morals and ideals of your future. You can’t expect or ask someone to change how they dress or look. You can’t expect that they will become motivated based on your suggestions. Unless they are entering AA and promising never to drink again, you definitely can’t expect them to be different on less booze.

If you don’t love the entire person in the shape that they are at this very second, then maybe you aren’t the right person for them. Sometimes it takes words from a 15 year old (written by a 40 year old Hollywood writer) to really make a point.

Emotional Maturation

2010-02-05T20:24:00.001-06:00

While I know that speaking about emotions typically makes my male readers junk sink back up into their abdomen, I just don’t feel like I have beat this topic dead yet.

Maturity is very obviously not linked to age, especially when you look at myself, or perhaps some of the folks I keep company with (not you ladies). I thought that we could all use a lesson in what is, and is not, mature.

According to Urban Dictionary, maturity is defined as “knowing when to be immature” or “the state of being so jaded by the shittiness of life that you cannot have fun easily, and must seek and destroy the fun of those who can.” I wonder if a woman or man wrote those definitions.

I thought examples might work better to describe the differences:

Let’s start with me. I feel pretty good about putting a check mark in the mature love, reality, give & take, and feedback. The questionable parts are that I am prone to not handling my frustration well, to be stressed and anxious, and have easy snap judgements on people I don’t know. I’m pretty good about it sober, but not so good drunk. Especially when a karaoke mic is present.

The biggest void that I see in guys today when it comes to maturity isn’t really on the chart, I don’t quite see “horny sex addict”. I guess you could put it under “Give & Take” – how guys like to be in a relationship that is easy. One that requires them to do as little as possible to achieve someone to have ~~sex~~ fun with. Society has given them an image that the perfect relationship is one where you just exist together – you live with no drama. Not one where you actually share, relate, and give & take (which sometimes involves emotions, aka drama).

Barney from “How I Met your Mother” speaks of the hot/crazy scale and how easy women are with dad issues. However, I think the real problem is the immature guys who either deny feelings, don’t talk about problems, or completely ignore listening to women. I would much rather take a crazy person over a silent one any day.

Rather deep for a Friday night, don’t you think? Thank god tomorrow is Stavroast, the Roast of Stavros Moraitis. My plan is to take that $35 all-you-can-drink, punch it in the face, and then make out with some emotionally immature men.

January Re-cap

2010-01-29T16:51:00.001-06:00

Since I have been so terrible about blogging this month, I thought I would re-cap the activities and debauchery that has occurred. I have also been bad at uploading photos, so unfortunately (and fortunately in some cases) – you will have to use your imagination on these.

New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve was a fantastic collaboration of Stavfest and Pfaff’s birthday bonanza. We rented out a private room at the Lux Bar downtown, Aiden (John Corbett) showed up randomly, and we all had a great time at the open bar.

New Year’s Day - On New Year’s day, I had everyone over for our traditional pork and sauerkraut extravaganza. We had two TVs pumping football, and the Wii karaoke came out after we watch UC get their asses beat. We drank 10 bottles of Champaign, one bottle of bloody maries, and 36 beers. Not too shabby for 8 people. The pork was delicious!

Cookie’s Birthday - Since Cookie’s birthday is on New Year’s day, we celebrated the night after with dinner, drinks, and dancing. Dinner at Coobah (delicious!), Drinks and dancing at Newport in Wrigleyville. The dancing was more like fist pumping and running around in circles, but fun nonetheless.

The NFL Playoffs - ‘nuff said. However, we did drink Champaign and watch Jessica make homemade doner kebabs. One of these days she will open up her own restaurant!

Canada, Eh? My good friends Richie and Gabriella moved to Toronto in the fall, and Alexa and I went to visit. We had three wonderful days hanging out at Canadian bars, going to the St Lawrence market, tasting wonderful truffles at the Distillery District, and having a Golden Globes party.

Standing up for Choice! On the anniversary of Roe v Wade, Planned Parenthood has a banquet to celebrate the women’s right to choose. The guest speaker was Dr. Ruth, and it was an awesome event! It was great to see everyone, since I had been gone so long.

Chicago First Timers – Scott came to visit Chicago for the first time, and I showed him around town in style. We started with brunch at Jam, which lived up to the reviews. Then we went to the Museum of Science and Industry and the new french market in the Transportation Center. Mike and Mel joined us, and we went on the slightly cheesy, but overall fun and educational Gangsta Tour. We got deep dish at Gino’s, and went to Second City to see a show. It was an exhausting day, so we relaxed the next day by drinking beermosa’s all day for Shauna’s birthday.

New York – there for a week for work. Not exciting.

Charlotte - Now, I am sitting on Julie’s couch drinking a manhattan with Scott, Bobo, and Julie. Last night, we went bowling for their bowling league (I didn’t hit over 100 either frames). This weekend is going to be super fun – we are celebrating Julie’s 30th with a light rail bar crawl.

Defeat.

2010-01-26T23:01:00.001-06:00

My adrenaline soured as I started going through the moves of getting ready. Shower, lotion on, dry hair. Jeans, orange hoodie, jersey. Whodey socks, towel, scarf. Continuously, I checked the time to ensure that I wasn’t running late – exactly three hours prior to kickoff.

Outside there was a stillness in the air. The snow lined the tree branches, resting perfectly as if it had been painted on them. As I walked to the bus stop, I could feel every breath hit my lungs – and not just because it was 20 degrees outside. My anxiety was rising.

I arrived at my haven, and gasped to find a young couple with a baby sitting at my table. How dare they bring that non-cursing, crying, unable to eat wings and yell at the TV ~~thing~~ being into my bar and sit at my table. I stalked their table relentlessly, while throwing the 12 month old the dirtiest looks I could manage. I exhaled sharply as I realized that they were watching the rest of the Marquette game, soon to conclude.

Once my table was free of diaper residue, I took my spot on my throne to view the game. The sound of indie music over the speakers reminded me of my next task, as I was expecting to hear Tom Hammond, Joe Gibbs, and Joe Theismann. After threatening the bartender’s first born and dropping my own name several times, I saw the owner in the corner of the bar and threw him a look of despair. The sound was on a minute later.

Finally, with a beermosa in one hand and a pitcher in the other, I was ready.

The shit hit the fan in the most god-awful way imaginable. The Bengals played one of their worst games ever. Carson under threw almost all his passes and had an interception. Our defense fell for three sneaks, one of them including a toss to Shonn Greene. And the worst of all, Shayne Graham missed two field goals. I knew we couldn’t trust a ginger.

1,329 pitchers of beermosa later (and no dinner) – I was ready to throw a glass at the TV. Everyone in the bar was on pins and needles, wondering when I was going to snap. Thankfully, I didn’t break anything and just proceeded to get “drunker than I’ve ever seen you.” – Jessie

Yes, this was several weeks ago. This was the first time I could bare to discuss it. Oh, the pain. Oh, the heart-ache. Why? WHY!

This video helps me laugh again. Well, this, and the fact that the Jets f*cking lost last week. Ha. F*ck them. Go Saints!

Resolution Update

2010-01-25T21:49:00.001-06:00

Where have I been, you wonder? I have been trying as hard as possible to stick to my NY’s resolutions. It has consumed me so much, that I was feeling uninspired to write anything. Ha. There goes Resolution #4 (write four blog entries a month).

Really – I have been too busy having fun. Loads of it. Believe it or not, I have gone almost all of January without ANY drama. All fun!

We’ll get to that later (I have to spread it out over 3 blog entries to make my resolution – expect a lot of updates this week). First, let’s check in on those resolutions and see where I stand.

1. Travel Less, Live More: Well, I didn’t book anything new in January, so I am sticking to this. Unfortunately my flight to New York was cancelled, leading to a migraine’s worth of activities that included getting an act of God to try and sell Broadway tickets on Craigslist. My gold status on American Airlines is making this a little better, but the TSA new regulations when you travel internationally (well, I went to Canada) – is not.

2. Stay Home Every Once in Awhile: Hmmm. Well, I stayed home one night – the Friday before the Bengals game. I watched two cheesy girly movies with Jessie and Shauna. Go me.

3. Weight: Sigh. I haven’t really lost anything, but I have lost two pounds since my initial weigh-in for our weight loss challenge at work. I have to lose 15 pounds by April 28. Travel doesn’t help, but I did join a new gym. At least I am wasting more money on weight loss so far!

4. Friends: We all know how that blogging resolution is going – no bueno. However, I did get to visit with out of town friends like Richie, Gabriella, Alexa, Mel, Mike, and Scott. I also caught up with Shannon and Hoffy, who I hadn’t seen in forever. Also, I spent the entire weekend with Shauna for her birthday, and I finally hung out with the entire crew on Thursday night at the Planned Parenthood event. I do feel I have been better in this category in January.

5. Dating: While I don’t know that I learned that you shouldn’t have drunken conversations about relationships – I did stick to my guns about taking it slow. There really isn’t anything you can do if the other person isn’t down with the slow approach.

6. Work: I still kick ass. I haven’t really made progress on being more organized, but I am now writing out a to-do list by hand, which seems to be working. So now, I know what I have to do. I just need the motivation to do it (don’t we all?).

7. Family: No update here, except my mom likes to text message me now that she has a new phone. Exciting. I guess I should also divulge that they grounded me over Christmas break - but I will save that story for another day. It will just give me a migraine thinking about it. One migraine is enough for today.

Well, that is the update – or otherwise known as The Office episode this week. Just cut and paste to make an ~~episode~~ blog entry.

2010 Declarations

2010-01-03T20:05:00.001-06:00

After looking at the ups and downs of 2009, I learned a couple of important lessons. While I typically hate following seasonal traditions – you know, the normal things – this year I feel the need to capture some resolutions on paper.

Here goes.

1. Travel Less, Live More: that statement does seem like an oxymoron, as traveling and vacation is the only time some people really “live”. In my case, I feel like when I am on the road I am not as happy, as I am typically dependent on others and don’t get to make independent decisions as to my activities. Simply put – I eat like shit, rarely workout, and I don’t get to selfishly make my decisions. So, my 2010 declaration to resolve this problem – I am only traveling for personal travel twice a month. Regardless of how many weddings, birthday celebrations, etc there are – the first two I commit to will be the only two I attend. January is booked – Toronto and Charlotte!

2. Stay Home Every Once in Awhile: Although I established in 2009 that I was not an alcoholic, I also established that every once in a while – you need to rest your starters. On those other two weekends a month that I will reside in Chicago – I need to stay home one of those weekend nights. Additionally, no staying out past midnight on school nights.

3. Weight: Sigh. This is the resolution I hate the most, because I never keep it. However, putting it on paper helps. I am trying to lose 20 pounds by my 30th birthday. There. I said it. April 26 is the final check in. I am a bit ahead of the game because I joined a new gym that has dance classes and I have a co-worker who is going to go to the gym with me. I am also pulling out the good ‘ole Calorie Count. Obviously, I did not count calories this week – since I drank every night since Tuesday and ate like shit. This is how it begins….

4. Friends: Often in friendships and relationships, it’s the little things that count. While most people know that I am extremely loyal, and I will be the first and last one standing at your birthday party, I have been slacking lately at keeping in touch. I am going to declare to do a better job of that this year, especially in the little things – like mailing cards. I heard that guys don’t really care about that stuff like girls do, but I think deep down they really do, and they just don’t talk about it. I will also make a resolution to blog more than 4 times a month. You’re welcome.

5. Dating: Speaking of guys, one of my big lessons learned was that guys are often in a different state emotionally than I often think they should be. I ask questions that they can’t answer – questioning their level of affection for me. I also learned that I control a lot more in relationships than I give myself credit for. I would rather be single the rest of my life than settle for someone that I am not infatuated with. In 2010, I am going to TAKE IT SLOW and pull the brakes if something isn’t working. If the other person really likes me and is the right one, they will wait. Also, conversations about relationships should never take place over text messaging or while drunk. That is really a no-brainer.

6. Work: I have always been known for my organization at work (not so much at home). However, when I moved into a management role, the action items that I need to do are often not so black and white as before. I have slacked a little on my to-do lists and follow through – so I need to come up with a new system for bringing that back. Additionally, I know that I will be with my current job for at least a year after the deal is signed, but where to next? Will I stay in Chicago? Will I resign my lease in October?

7. Family: I feel exhausted already just typing the word “family” as a resolution, so I need to keep this goal light. My resolution with my family is status quo. If I can make it through the year without adding new drama to the family, that would be fantastic. A stretch goal would be to try and be myself, even though I feel very judged every time I see them. Thankfully, I think my brother will be engaged and my sister will be pregnant, so they will be too distracted to make me feel bad about myself.

What are your resolutions for the new year?

Happy new year bitches.

2009 in Review

2009-12-29T14:32:00.001-06:00

It was quite a year, if I may say so myself. Actually, I did say so – as I spilled my deepest darkest secrets with you, my loyal readers (all 5 of you).

Let’s take a long look back at what happened in 2009. Who knows. Maybe we will learn something from all the mayhem. Also, you are all pretending to be working this week, while really stalking the internet for something to do. Here you go, a nice and long blog entry.

January: After cozying up to Cookie’s friend Warm Body at her birthday party (who still texts me randomly, by the way), I examined a woman who was giving herself one year to find love. I took a look at her page today and surprise! She hasn’t found it. Sucks to be her. I wonder what her consequence of not meeting her goal was?

Also in January, while the temperatures continued to drop to negative 20’s, we drank enough booze to kill several small children. Pfaff’s wig party, my corporate holiday party, and several hangover filled mornings watching Erin pick food off of her face.

February: Cookie and I were double trouble with two pairs of friends, Warm Body/Midnight Caller and Promance/Cornflower. Neither of these relationships really lasted long, and usually only occurred between the hours of 12 – 8am. I went to Gatlinburg to celebrate St. Kelly’s Day, which is my friend PJ Kelly’s birthday. Hope had the best zingers of the night, with “I love that bar! I once went in classy and left without my shirt, but acquired a coconut bra!" and “We should fuck like we don't know each other." I also traveled to San Diego to surprise Kate Rock, where we ate a TON of Mexican food (seriously, a ton).

March: It was a pretty quiet month on the blog front, but mainly because I was having a lovely time in Europe. We went out for St. Paddy’s Day and started watching Six Feet Under, which provoked some family issues that I had stuffed down.

The European Carnage began in March, and we tackled London first – which introduced me to Gordon, real football games, lots of pubs and shots with packets of sugar. Amsterdam was next and very cold and rainy, so we holed up in “The Doors” cafe and watched a hysterical movie on World War II. Well, we thought it was funny because of the terrible acting. I didn’t drink at all there, because I thought I started getting a kidney infection. The last time I had one of those I ended up in the hospital, so I didn’t want a recurrence of that.

Thankfully, it healed with the help of water and cranberry pills, and just in time for Berlin. Berlin was fantastic. We spent a lot of our time in the evening at our hostel, where they had a big shrine to David Hasselhoff and we made friends with travelers from London and Australia. We often slept until 4pm or so, recovering from the night before. Abbey lost her purse, but magically it was sent to her by a nice European (although she just got it back in October).

Cookie, Erin, and I continued onto Prague alone, and we were met with shady people and beautiful sites. The castles were breathtaking and the goulash was fantastic. Our last stop was Munich, which great Hefeweizen beer and Bavarian men that did snuff. Net/net – a fantastic trip – and I blissfully enjoyed every minute.

April: When I returned from Europe, I had some visitors right away for Easter. Mel, Mike, and Tansky came up to visit the Windy City. We ate Pittsburgh sandwiches from Man vs Food, tried to go to the Pirate exhibit, and played beer pong into the wee hours of the night. Ironically enough, I also ranted during that post about not being able to find guys to date – sigh. If only I had known.

Prompted by my new diet with no eggs, dairy, or gluten – I got very frustrated and tired with life. What’s new.

May: May didn’t really start out so hot. I had to layoff people at work and I went on a 29th birthday crisis binge (I really do hate the odd years). This resulted in hooking up with a Rolling Stone’s sound guy (that had a girlfriend) and Warm Body, starting to smoke again, and getting ridiculously drunk for my birthday. Near the end of May I seemed to be pulling out of my own head, and I started getting a bit more philosophical with deal breakers and societal images of who we are supposed to be. Oh yeah, and I discovered www.textsfromlastnight.com. Hilarious.

June: June was action packed with a lot of boy drama and travel. I kicked off the month with a trip to New York to see my fabulous friends Richie, Gabo, Alexa, and Kirsten. Although the Cavs lost, we roused it up at a huge beer garden with sangria. I also ended the month with a trip to Seattle and confessing my admiration for a guy that I’ve had a crush on for awhile at one of our agencies. On the work front, we finally launched a product that I could actually get behind, when we launched Bing.

After a questionable date from the trombone player, I started to seriously question the role of sex in dating and the lack of emotion in men. One of my best guy friends, Nick F, chimed in with an similar view from the male side. While not all males are void of emotional maturity/intimacy – a good majority of them are. Brought on by girls who give up sex freely in exchange for a tiny bit of attention, they don’t attach the act to their emotions. Or even worse, due to an incident that happened in the past or the lack of a secure emotional outlet when they are young, they don’t even feel their emotions anymore. The consequence is that they don’t feel remorse or responsibility when they hurt someone (see August and October).

Unfortunately, I took my own cue from this lack of responsibility and started dating the pilot. I don’t even actually remember what his real name was. Enough said.

July: This was a big month as well. I went to Ocean Isle Beach with my friends from Charlotte, but didn’t really end up in a great place emotionally (not their fault, my own demons). I was also watching Six Feet Under on repeat, which led me to envision my own funeral (such a morbid thought). Other TV shows I watched incessantly – Mad Men and So You Think You Can Dance. Despite channeling Mad Men by making a plan to make my life awesome, I ended up just drinking a lot of Manhattan’s and making out with Tribune Guy, who I now know had a girlfriend.

This is also the month that my company announced a deal with the competitor that would put my group out of a job. Fun month.

August: After accepting the fact that my group was going away, but not until the end of 2010, I was hoping to be free to focus on more important things – like issues with my father and fantasy football. Unfortunately, my guy friends thought otherwise. I had two confessions of love from two great friends, both to be quickly dissolved for another woman. Upon further examination, both were actually dissolved because both of the guys are emotionally immature, and unable to really feel anything for anyway.*

Thankfully, these slightly dramatic events toying with my emotions didn’t prohibit me from having the Best. Weekend. Ever. I also made a prediction in that post, “The boys had a lot of fun hiding 10 - 12 ears of corn all over Bobo's kitchen. I highly doubt he has recovered them all.”

September: September was crazy busy – but really, when am I not? I had ten days of awesomeness, that covered WEBN fireworks in Cincinnati, German beer gardens in Seattle, and ended with Mel’s bachelorette party in Miami. We ate great food, stayed at a sweet hotel, and got photographed nude by a creepy porn guy. Also, I moved to a new apartment – alone.

October: October marked the wedding of the century, between Mike and Mel. I celebrated it with a three part series outlining the wedding, the bourbon tour, and the rehearsal dinner. As I mentioned in August, my short lived relationship with one of my good friends came to a close. As of today, December 29th, we still have not really talked. I may have shed a little tear for him over the holidays, but deep down I know that he feels no remorse for what happened.

October was also a big travel month, similar to June and September. I went to Athens/Ohio U, for my bi-annual meeting of the minds from the College of Business. I paid my first visit ever to New Orleans, where Kelly and Hirsch got engaged and we celebrated the Rose’s 30th birthday. I also had a quick trip to Detroit, which is a monthly destination for me. I ended the month with an old flame OU hook-up. Sigh.

November: November was tame from a blogging perspective, but mainly just because I was tending to my new apartment and spending the rest of my time at Mac’s drinking and watching football. I was actually first place in my Chicago league, which made it a lot more interesting to watch and play. Thanksgiving was just as bad as a predicted it to be, gotta love the family.

December: This was a month of traveling and holiday parties. I spent the first week going to parties in Chicago, the second week in New York, the third week in Charlotte, and the last week in Cincinnati. Whew. I earned gold status for 2010 on American Airlines – finally!

New York was a trip to attend a training for the highest potential employees of the company – the top 4% to be exact. I am in the top 4%! Go me! *Blush*

The highlight of all the trips was Charlotte, where I got to hang out with my friends in a very laid back and old school way. We cooked food in the kitchen while catching up, with Christmas music and decorations all around. J Mann was the hostess with the mostest, and really provided a lot of those memories for me. While I did take some time to reminisce about my favorite holiday things, one of them that I miss the most is cooking breakfast and having mimosa’s with one of my best friends and listening to his Christmas CD. Unfortunately, it looks like that tradition is over.

So – what did we really learn over 2009?

Some guys are emotionally just not there – and you need to stay away from those guys. They need to figure that shit out before you can date them.
Although I do drink a lot, I am not an alcoholic. However, you do not always have to drink anytime that everyone else is. Water is okay.
My work likes me. They really do like me. I am really good at what I do.
I live living alone, but still need to have friends around all the time.
I need to travel less and live more. Less out of a suitcase.

That is just off the cuff – what did you learn in 2009? What were you hoping to Lori would learn in 2009?

Happy End of the Decade!

*I really don’t mean to sound bitter there. Really.

The Funniest Fumble in Football History

2009-12-28T21:56:00.001-06:00

I can’t take credit for this story, this was one of my guy friends. Names have been changed to protect the potheads.

We went to the football game on Sunday. During halftime, we borrowed Bob’s one hitter and smoked in the family bathroom. When we came back to the seat, the hand off got messed up and Bob fumbled the glass pipe.

Time paused as we heard a “ting ting” as the one hitter hit the concrete. It hits off the foot of the guy in front of us and disappears one row in front of him.

Not so lucky for us, the season ticket holder who sits in front of us is a Homicide Detective…and we are completely wasted. He had heard it drop and starts to help Bob look for it, not knowing what it was. Bob doesn’t hold his liquor so well in this situation, and start’s describing it to the detective, "Oh, it's a couple inches long... It's made of glass." The whole time I'm like "Ah don't worry about it, it's nothing," (while cracking up).

The detective knows us pretty well after a couple years of season ticket holding, and quickly catches on to what is happening. He says that he doesn’t think he should be helping look for this, and goes to get a beer.

While the detective is gone, Bob goes down a row and locates the pipe. Unfortunately, it has fallen into the nachos under the seats of the people 2 rows down from us. He asks us to stand up and cheer after the next play to create a distraction. While we cheer, he lays his drunk ass on the floor of the row in front of us and tries to go-go gadget his pipe back, but can't reach.

Meanwhile the detective and his buddy are up a few rows watching this whole debacle happen, and Bob stops trying to grab it as they come back down. Everyone's periodically looking in the nachos to make sure the pipe was still there. Once the game was over, we grabbed the nachos. The pipe was in tact, and back in our possession.

The only time that a fumble has ended up being hilarious at a football game!

Awesome Holiday Things

2009-12-25T00:31:00.001-06:00

Being the most wonderful time of the year and all, I thought I would share some of my favorite holiday scene’s. While I have been a scrooge of late due to family issues, deep down I am still a softy around this time.

Love Actually: This is such a great movie. It gives you a glimpse into 4 very romantic stories, one cheater who sucks, and one guy who gets his heart broken (but it is still super romantic what he does). 4.5 beats 1 – so boo on that guy.

This is the guy who gets his heart broken:

A Christmas Story: This is one of my favorite scene. I think it’s because his eyes are so pretty and blue without his glasses. That, and I have a thing for underdogs.

“All I want for Christmas is You” Mariah Carey: By far, the best Christmas song ever. Unarguably.

Disney Christmas: I had this record as a kid and played it on repeat. One of my favorite songs was the Chipmunks.

Twas the Night Before Christmas: My dad always read this book to us before we went to bed on Christmas Eve.

One Magic Christmas: Made in 1985, I remember this being one of my favorite Christmas movies. I haven’t seen it in awhile since my family only owned it on VHS, but hopefully I can break it out and convert it to DVD for my continued enjoyment. I love Mary Steenburgen since she was in Elf, but that Harry Dean Stanton is creepy now that he was in Big Love.

What are your favorite Christmas traditions, movies, and songs?

Holiday Fun. Guaranteed.

2009-12-20T14:08:00.004-06:00

It's no secret that I am not big on holidays. Last Christmas, I ended up lying to my family about leaving early to go back to Chicago - and instead found myself deep in vodka soda's at a bar in Dayton.

The only part that I enjoyed about the holidays in the past was hanging out with my Charlotte crew with an ice luge and inappropriate sexual gift exchange. Last year I didn't end up making it, probably because I was traveling too much (lame). This holiday, we decided to resurrect that tradition and have our legendary Christmas party. We have classed it up a little now that we are older in age, and instead we had a wine tasting. We are obviously not older in maturity, as we still ended up drinking wine straight out of the bottle and screaming karaoke until 3am.

It felt like family, like how I imagine that holidays would be if I had a somewhat functional family at home. My favorite part is when the girls are all in the kitchen preparing the food for the evening, while the guys sit in the living room and catch up. Christmas music is on the stereo, and had we not been so hungover from late night karaoke the night before, apple cider with rum would have been in our hands. The ladies talk about their love lives (or lack thereof) and their careers, while the guys chat fantasy football and - well, that's all they really talk about this time of year.

I kind of wish that I could just trade in, and adopt Bobo as my dad (he is good with tools), J Mann as my mom (she's good at life), and the rest of the crew as my siblings. While that would be a VERY incestuous family, that's okay because we would be from the south.

As I approach next week, I will make similar predictions to Thanksgiving. My dad will explode over something small, usually triggered by a technology fallout. He will yell at my mom and piss off my sister - resulting in another fight. I will awkwardly hang out by myself with the family after my brother flees to Louisville and while we are waiting on my sister to arrive from Toledo. On Christmas day you will find me at my Aunt's house, listening to them talk uninformed politics, if they talk at all.

If we are really lucky, my dad will say something very racist and I will get into a huge fight with him, and change my flight to come home early. No escaping to Dayton this year, since my travel schedule is determined by American Airline. Maybe I will get lucky, and I will get stuck in Chicago - where I can spend Christmas on my couch with the Tudor's, which sounds pretty nice compared to the alternative.

On a positive and slightly more optimistic note, I am spending January with some of my favorite people - Megan's birthday on NYE, a Toronto trip to visit Richie and Gabo with Alexa, Schlegel's and Scott's visit to Chicago, and J Mann's 30th light rail bar crawl in Charlotte. I just have to get through 5 days with the family first.

Uncovering Another Family Layer

2009-12-02T22:43:00.001-06:00

Just as I predicted it, my Thanksgiving was a joyful family gathering. The positives – it was good to see my niece and she says my name now and can recognize me. My sister even texted me that she woke up asking where I was yesterday.

However, there were some things that occurred that were very normal. My father threw a tantrum like a 5-yr old when the cable box broke and Time Warner apparently doesn’t make home visits to give you a new box on Thanksgiving. Duh. Instead of handling it maturely, by troubleshooting logically to determine alternatives – he just yells and screams. Everyone runs around, doing what he says, trying different tests even though we all know it is the cable box. All because we don’t want Bill to have a nervous breakdown. Essentially though, isn’t that the definition? I guess we don’t want violence to erupt.

Once we solved the issue by bringing the cable box from the bedroom to the living room (initially suggested the second the first one broke), he finally calmed down. However, another blimp occurred when he was yelling at my mom for being out of butter. Not all butter, as she still had stick butter. Apparently she read his mind that he would require butter that is in tub form, and that stick butter would not do for his roll. It was the end of the world that she did not have it on hand. Running to the store that was 2 minutes away was out of the question. My sister stepped in on this one, asking my dad to stop yelling at mom – since it wasn’t her fault. He proceeded to call my sister “stupid” and telling her to “shut the f*ck up”.

All in a normal day in the Klamo household.

The more that I rehash the events of the weekend, the more obvious it really becomes. Something is seriously wrong with my father. He doesn’t have any coping mechanisms to be able to handle a problem or issue. If things don’t go 100% his way – he goes back to a little boy, since he never learned how to deal with emotions of frustration.

This is how it has always been. Everyone in the family running around on tip toes, trying to please my father and doing everything we can to make sure we don’t piss him off. Now that my life is made up of the exact opposite of what my father wants for me, it is difficult to be near him or with him. I always tip toe around discussing my life – afraid that he won’t be pleased and that I will piss him off.

Over the past year I think I’ve finally accepted it and put it all together. He will not approve of the choices that I have made for myself. He will not like my lifestyle or my opinions. I am okay with that – since I am mature enough to embrace diverse opinions. If he isn’t okay with that – that’s fine with me (it helps to also embrace that he is crazy – no, seriously).

I just found out that my Uncle is bi-polar. Of course, no one in the family is talking about it and it is super hush, hush. I feel like it is all becoming clear that under the layer of silence – there are some serious genetic mental problems on that side of the family.

It’s ironic. I’ve always tried to break away from the pack, to stand out and be different. Now, all I want is to be normal.

Thanksgiving. Boo.

2009-11-24T22:17:00.001-06:00

I have never made secret my hatred of Thanksgiving. I have also not made secret that my father often drives me crazy on Thanksgiving. As I anxiously wait to embark on another lovely turkey dinner in Cincinnati, let’s make some predictions on exactly how this weekend will roll.

First, I will show up hung-over on Thursday morning at home (provided my secret plan to stay the night at Jessica’s works). My sister and brother are running in the turkey trot, so I’m sure that my mother will be babysitting Ella. The rest of the family will be moping around while my mother tries to tend to a 1.5 yr old and cook dinner for 20 people.

I will immediately shower, get ready, and cook dinner. Since I am a girl. And Tori doesn’t count, because she is my brother’s lazy girlfriend. Sigh. I won’t have time to get over my hangover, since I will be running around so much.

My extended family will start to show up around 2pm, and our house will be packed with a bunch of really tall people who never speak. I mean never. Seriously. My Aunt might talk once or twice, and I’m sure I will be asked three times whether or not I’m dating someone, but other than that – silence. Typically, this would be great with a hangover and football on, but there is nowhere to sit as all the Uncle’s get the couch space. I can either lay on the floor in a corner, or I can be completely anti-social and go to another room. If I do the latter, I will get scolded for being anti-social (um. they seriously don’t speak – what’s the point!).

I also can’t really drink during this outing, as no one else in the entire house will be drinking, and I will get an evil eye from my family – who all think that I am an alcoholic.

After the extended family finally leaves, I will settle in to sleep on the couch in the living room that is from the 60’s (and I believe the comfort left it in the 70’s), since I am single and single people don’t get bed preference over girlfriends, brothers, and families.

The next two days will involve my sister proclaiming what she wants to do, and the rest of the family following along, ensuring we don’t do anything that will disrupt my father. That includes restaurants that have waits, anything that involves crowds, and being stuck in traffic. Around Thanksgiving weekend and Black Friday – that involves pretty much everything.

Thankfully, the weekend will end with a Saturday night out with Mel, Mike, and my Cincinnati boys and a football game with Zak, Dan, and Jessica. They even have DJs at their tailgate! This will be my first official Bengals tailgate, since the first was a pre-season game and the second I was hung-over and late getting there.

Since I am anticipating the entire month of December to suck at work, especially the first week, I really hope this holiday goes unscathed without any mental breakdowns. Cheers to the season!

Decorate, Drink, Work.

2009-11-23T18:43:00.001-06:00

Sorry dear readers that I have left you without an entry for so long. I have been on a schedule that involves the daily grind at work, drinking all weekend (thanks football), and cleaning/decorating my apartment.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

I did have a brief make out with a guy that has a girlfriend (once again – seriously, why are they all attracted to me?). Of course I didn’t know that he had a girlfriend until the day after.

I also had a trip to Seattle that allowed me to ask Steve Ballmer a question, and watch 5 other directors at Microsoft tell me how valuable our team was (*blush*). No kool-aid on this trip – just down and dirty facts. That was also the only travel I had in November – yeah! Besides Thanksgiving, which starts this week (ugh).

Other than that – I have been watching the Bengals win (except for random signs of Bungleness, like Houston and Oakland) and kicking ass at my Chicago fantasy football league (1st place!).

This week starts a new cycle of traveling, family drama, and working way too fing much. I am traveling to Cincinnati (twice), Greenville, Charlotte, Detroit, and New York – all in the month of December. Additionally, two managers and a group manager have moved on – meaning that I will work overtime until we hire new managers.

I hate the holidays. Thank god for football!

Bitch Ass Ho, I salute you.

2009-11-08T23:05:00.001-06:00

Today marks the birthday of one of my great friends.

I ran into Nick in September of 2007 on Jessie’s birthday at Swig. I re-created the story for Shannon’s birthday a year ago, but it is so great that I will post it again.

To think, I may have never run into him the next morning at Mac’s, and we might never have known the Quattro was living down the street.

My life would be without an expansive knowledge of speakers, any why they are so bad ass. It would be without an explanation of why science is so awesome, and how you can make it interesting after drinking a 12 pack. It would be without repeatedly using phrases like “that shit is so fly”, “this beat is hot!”, “bitch ass ho”, and “put your gold teeth in and get your ass to the bar!”.

Not only is Nick entertaining, with his witty emails and late night antics, but he is loyal. I remember several Sunday evenings after everyone else had gone, over several whiskey ginger’s, going over the details of a date or whining because of men troubles. Nick will entertain any conversation, no matter how mundane and boring, because he knows it is important to me.

Happy birthday Nick – I can’t wait to celebrate in style this week. Let’s get crunk!

Whatever. It Works.

2009-11-06T23:50:00.001-06:00

Sorry for the radio silence children. I had a cold. A bad cold. Well, first I had a hangover, followed by a cold. Okay, first I had a fantastic week back to normal life, then I had a hangover, followed by a cold.

Normal life. Ahhhh. You breath the fresh air of the lake. You wake up at a normal time. You shower, go to work, take the bus, and go to work. You actually have time to GO TO LUNCH. What?!? Exactly. Normal life. I love normal life. I went to dance class, I read a book, I went shopping, I did normal things. It was lovely.

Then. It was Halloween. I knew it was coming. I anticipated this. I knew my Cincinnati friends were coming into town. However, I had somewhat of a pass living as far away as I do. I could go to dance class on a Saturday without feeling guilty, since I had no idea what they were doing or what time they woke up. I still made it out to watch Saturday football, and I was in costume by 7. Everything worked very well for the evening – no one was lost, forgotten, or left to be a child of the night. In fact, I found an old crush from 1998 (freshman year of college) and I conquest him. He didn’t know what was coming.

The next day resulted in one of the longest hangovers I have had in awhile. Jessie tried to come over and break me out of it – but it was a goner. Thankfully Monday night drinks were in order to cure it.

I woke up Tuesday without a hangover (thankfully) and had a super productive and normal day at work. That night – the sore throat hit. I thought I could thwart it with green tea and airborne. It has worked before.

Unfortunately, the next thing I knew I was a hot, sweaty, snotty, miserable mess on my couch. The next time I checked the date it was Friday morning and I had drank 3 bottles of Tylenol Sore Throat Cough and Cold. I wasn’t even using the cup anymore – straight from the source.

I pulled myself out of the fog to go to work, and just as quickly turned around and went home when my client meeting was cancelled. Jessie took pity that no one would hang out with my germs, and she came and picked me up to cook me dinner. We decided that Thanksgiving couldn’t come quickly enough and made stuffed chicken with her famous Italian stuffing and mashed potatoes. Oh yeah, and 6 bottles of wine.

We watched a great movie from Woody Allen – Whatever Works. My favorite thing about the movie is that it takes reality and slaps it in the face and says all the things that most modern 20-30 somethings are wondering why the rest of the country doesn’t get. My fave quote is below:

“And yet, there's no shortage of idiots to babble. Not me. I have a vision. I'm discussing you. Your friends. Your coworkers. Your newspapers. The TV. Everybody's happy to talk. Full of misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love, your portfolio, your children, health. Christ, if I have to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day to live, I don't wanna live. I hate goddamn fruits and vegetables. And your omega 3's, and the treadmill, and the cardiogram, and the mammogram, and the pelvic sonogram, and oh my god the-the-the colonoscopy, and with it all the day still comes where they put you in a box, and its on to the next generation of idiots, who'll also tell you all about life and define for you what's appropriate. My father committed suicide because the morning newspapers depressed him. And could you blame him? With the horror, and corruption, and ignorance, and poverty, and genocide, and AIDS, and global warming, and terrorism, and-and the family value morons, and the gun morons. "The horror," Kurtz said at the end of Heart of Darkness, "the horror." Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered in the jungle. Ugh... then he'd see some horror. But what do you do? You read about some massacre in Darfur or some school bus gets blown up, and you go "Oh my God, the horror," and then you turn the page and finish your eggs from the free range chickens. Because what can you do. It's overwhelming! I tried to commit suicide myself. Obviously, it didn't work out. But why do you even want to hear about all this? Christ, you got your own problems. I'm sure your all obsessed with any number of sad little hopes and dreams. Your predictably unsatisfying love lives, your failed business ventures. "Oh, if only I'd bought that stock! If only I-if only I purchased THAT house years ago! If only I'd made a move on THAT woman." If this, if that.”

The Road Warrior Returns! (again)

2009-10-27T17:27:00.001-05:00

October was one of the busiest month’s of my life, with Mel and Mike’s wedding, Homecoming, work travel, and celebrating the Rose’s birthday’s. It was all excellent fun – but exhausting nonetheless.

I already gave you an update on Mike and Mel’s wedding, so let’s pick it up where I left off.

Going into Homecoming, here is the tally on how productive I was at work in October:

Days off (PTO): 2
Days spent doing zero work: 2
Days working from home: 0

OU Homecoming

I went out Wednesday night until 2am with co-workers in town from New York, so I was completely hung-over Thursday and accomplished absolutely nothing at work. I also missed my doctor’s appointment Thursday morning, resulting in a $100 missed appointment charge. This all made for a fabulous flight to Columbus and drive to Athens to kick off the OU weekend.

As many of you know, I am the V.P. on the Society of Alumni and Friends for the Ohio U College of Business, so I have many important responsibilities when I go back to Athens. I have to visit every bar uptown searching for 3 – 5 of my degenerate friends that still work in Athens, eat copious amounts of DP Dough and Goodfellas Pizza, and drink myself into black out where I either crash a house party or hit on a 20 year old college student. This time it was the latter.

Detroit, Client Events, and Cheaters!

After a long weekend of drinking at OU and in Chicago (celebrating the Rose’s turning 30!), of course I had to drink all day Sunday for football. This made my Monday morning flight to Detroit all that much shittier. I had a long week in Detroit of drinking events and client meetings.

While I did rock the house on client meetings, I was too tired to really pony up at the happy hours while in Detroit. We did go to the hotel bar once, and while I was waiting for my employee to join me, I noticed a guy sitting next to me talking on the phone to someone he wanted to come meet him. He was wearing a wedding ring (often the first thing I check).

Later that night, I notice the same guy at the bar, and his “friend” has arrived. She is very cute, and they are sitting very close. I mention to my employee that I think homeboy is cheating. He quips - “well, there is no ring”. Homeboy must have taken his ring off when he went upstairs to change. WHAT A DOG. UGH.

I think I have hit my quota on cheating this year. F#cking A$sholes. I really felt like telling the girl, but my energy to tell other women in cheating relationships has been depleted. However, I am posting a poll – in what situation would you tell the other woman that she is being cheated on? Please vote so that I can pretend I have readers.

Anyhow, when I returned from Detroit on Wednesday, I went straight to Rockit for happy hour with clients, followed by a happy hour and client meeting Thursday that involved having a keg delivered to an agency. Result = my doctor wants to evaluate if my work is causing me to have a drinking problem. I think yes.

New Orleans

To further celebrate Abbey and Kelly turning 30, we took a trip to the New Orleans. I definitely wasn’t expecting how awesome and European like it was! The first night, we partied away on Bourbon Street until 7am. The second night, we enjoyed a 1,000 course meal that was catered to us because of Hirsch’s hookup at work. This was followed by live jazz at a cigar bar. The last night, Abbey and I hit up football bars and bonded with Saints fans. More to come on the trip when I have the picture evidence to back it up!

As October comes to a close, I can only hope that November will result in more productivity at work, more hours sleeping, and actually moving into my apartment enough that I can take pictures and invite over guests.

October Update: 10 worthless days and -$100

Days off (PTO): 4

Days spent doing zero work: 4

Days working from home: 2

Cost Associated with the lack of productivity: $100

There’s no Rehearsing Relationships

2009-10-16T18:40:00.001-05:00

After a long day at the spa courtesy of the mother of the bride, the bridesmaids were ready for a lovely dinner. Unfortunately, one could argue the groomsmen weren’t necessarily up to the task.

Mike’s brother had decided that referencing a box of Kleenex and baby oil was a good idea in front of Mike’s boss and soon to be father-in-law’s. It was not.

Besides the jack off references at the rehearsal dinner and the actual jack off on the Bourbon Tour, everything else was fantastic. Well, almost everything. Unfortunately, not all relationships at the wedding were as beautifully happy and loving as Mike and Mel’s.

Now that I gave you a glimpse into the lovely, lovely parts of the wedding (and there were many), let’s get down to the nitty gritty, otherwise known as the things we ignored to make sure the wedding went off without a hitch.

As you may remember, in the past couple of months I had some surprising love confessions come my way. However, all these gentlemen callers have two major flaws – they all have/had girlfriends and they were all good friends of mine. I guess this isn’t really a new occasion for me, since this problem dates back to 2006, where I have on occasion been “The Other Woman” to a good friend of mine. I hate being that woman.

I was very proud of myself for how I handled these situations when the gentleman callers came my way. Thankfully, I was able to handle them without alcohol and through logical and well thought out conversations.

One of the gentlemen callers in particular knew me really well. He knew about my ugly hook-ups, dramatic Lorraine visits, drunken inappropriate yelling (like “I play clarinet!”), bitchy moments, and how when I get hurt I often drink too much and rebound in a negative way. He also knew my biggest weakness, in my eyes, which is that I keep my feelings pushed down. Compressed. Where they stay until they come out at inappropriate times. Really inappropriate times. That is exactly what I am looking for, someone who knows the real me and loves me for it. The great thing about a relationship with one of your best friends is that you trust them, and you trust that even though they have been an asshole in the past to other girls, you know they wouldn’t dare do it to you.

However, this guy took this knowledge, used that knowledge to get to me, and then rubbed my face in the dirt.

It started with drunken confessions, on my part, at inappropriate times about something completely unrelated to us (so typical). Then it launched into hooking up, which I halted (thankfully). It ended shortly before the end of the Bourbon tour. He acted like a complete asshole in front of the everyone by telling them that about my inappropriate confessions and the denial of hooking up, followed shortly by going back on everything he had promised me the previous night. Remember what happens when I get hurt? I get upset, drink a lot, and hook up to re-establish some self confidence.

I did just that – with a 26 year old. Classy. I didn’t even need to reserve a hotel room for the wedding, I could just keep a bag with the doorman.

Thankfully, there wasn’t too much fall out from my debauchery, except maybe a slightly more tarnished reputation.

What is tarnished is (once again) my self-esteem. Denied (again) by a guy who confessed his love to me, only to turn around and take it back (again).

I have been silent before on this blog, since it is a public forum. I have been ambiguous as to the circumstance, so that one person would think it was perhaps someone else.

This time, it is different. This time, the line has been crossed.

And this time, it hurts even worst because in the process I also lost a best friend.

Bourbon Makes Everything Better

2009-10-15T16:29:00.001-05:00

The day before the lovely wedding between Mike and Mel, we took time to visit the hills of Kentucky. We went on a Bourbon Tour. And yes, it was as scary as it sounds.

It started easy enough, very hung-over and drinking Champaign and Bloody Mary's. I prepared a 45 minute picture video of the couple’s courtship and besides some slight technical difficulties, everyone loved it. We also had some entertainment from the car next door, as we drove next to a guy that was completely jacking off. Disguisting.

We made our first stop at Four Roses distillery and had some great shots of Bourbon.

The next stop was for lunch at a bar that gave us all a shot the second we walked in the door. Four shots later, we were ready to head to get cigars. However, we had to stop first and get the BEST INVENTION EVER. Jager Bomb cups.

You can tell where this is going.

Everyone was pretty hammered by the time we got to the cigar company.

We went back to Mel and Mike’s, then after chugging some more Andre went to dinner downtown. There was a slight hiccup with the hotel room (as in, it wasn’t booked because Mel thought I booked it and I thought she booked it), but we got another room at a different hotel.

We ate dinner with all the out of town guests, and I picked up a new boy toy for the night – the 26-year old brother of the groom (pictured above with cigar). I was trying to make someone else angry (wait for the next entry!).

We decided it was a great idea the night before the wedding to go dancing until all hours of the night, then stumbled back to the hotel. We checked into our room and tried to get in, but the key wouldn’t work. I went back to the front desk and got another key. That key still didn’t work. Next thing we know, the door opens. They checked us into another persons room! That person was not so happy that 2 drunk girls were trying to break in.

We ran into the Dan (the 26 year old) in the lobby, who was also checking in, and that is how I ended up doing the walk of shame. Nothing exciting though, I was so drunk from drinking all day that I completely passed out.

The Union

2009-10-13T16:41:00.001-05:00

The wedding day started off in a fury. After I did the walk of shame back from the room of a 26-year old (sorry, you have to wait for the last entry for that story), I had to pack to switch hotels and get ready to meet the bride. Thankfully, my side kick Julie was there to guide me through it all.

Once we arrived at the wedding hall, we started to realize who was going to win the “Biggest Contributor Award” for the wedding, which was Scott. Not only was he in charge of printing out the vows for Mel, finding the rings, getting the marriage certificate, ensuring the groom arrived on time and dressed, performing the entire ceremony as the internet ordained Reverend Scott, but he even proactively went to Victoria Secret because he overheard us saying we didn’t have “Something Blue”, which we were planning be blue underwear. Without Scott, we may not have gotten through the day. There was something definitely wrong about the Reverence buying the bride her wedding day thongs, but hey – this was never a traditional wedding.

Once the bride was ready, she first saw her dad and then Mike in private moments. We then took all of our pictures and got ready for the excitement to begin.

The ceremony went beautifully. Scott did a fantastic job, everyone stood where they were supposed to, and there were few dry eyes in the house. They wrote their own vows, and due to Mike’s hatred of organized religion, we didn’t have to sit through prayer time.

The reception was gorgeous, and there were three food stations for German food, Louisville food, and Greek food. The drinks were flowing, with a Bourbon bar to boot. My speech went really well, thanks to some help from Julie on the way down. It was the right combination of wit, sappiness, and Sex and the City.

Immediately after the speeches, we launched into dancing. Mel’s step-mother sang “At Last”, which is definitely going to be my song (if I ever get married). Mike and his mom danced to a fake song, then launched into Hang on Sloopy. We then danced the night away, followed by a karaoke bus ride and an after party at Makers Mark. All in all, a fantastic night of fun, friends, way too much laughter, and dancing.

The perfect night.

Pictures!

Three Days, Two Hearts, One Liver

2009-10-11T19:55:00.002-05:00

This weekend marked the end of a two year engagement between two of my best friends, Mel and Mike. Not only did everything with the three day weekend wedding go swimmingly, they were the best three days I've ever had. Everyone was so relaxed and having a great time, with minimal drama (well, or at least the drama was ignored). There is so much to discuss, I am going to have to break this into three entries. However, I am going to work backwards in time, and start with the end - the wedding.

PART 1: The Union
PART 2: Bourbon Makes Everything Better
PART 3: There is no Rehearsing Relationships

Too exhausted to make this happen tonight, but I was able to give you a sneak and hopefully give you enough to tide you over until I can get everything down on paper.

Le Dress

2009-10-01T13:53:00.002-05:00

I WISH I WERE A MAN!

No, not because I want to be able to have permiscuous sex and not get called a slut. No, not because I want to be able to have a beer belly and still get a hot thang on my arm. No, not because I don't want to have to shave my legs every other day (wait, well...that would be nice).

It is because I can't find a freakin' dress to wear to the rehearsal dinner.

I go online, and there are a ton of cute dresses at Macy's, Nordstrom's, and Bloomingdales. I go to the stores. Nada. Zilch. They are all either way to short, or my boobs pop out of them. The one's that do fit me are made for the mother of the bride (aka >50 yrs old).

If I were a guy, I could walk into ______________ (insert store name here) and I would immediately have 10 little girls or gay men eager to wait on me. Pair of pants, button down shirt, tie - done. That easy (provided your wallet can handle it).

I am heading to store #4 after work to try and get this thing nailed out.

Ugh. Hate being a woman.

The End of an Era

2009-09-24T22:05:00.002-05:00

As I finish packing up the last boxes from Apt 3W, I do it almost like a machine. I can't believe it is here. I can't believe we are moving out of this apartment.

There are so many great memories from this apartment. The first trip to Ikea with Abbey, where we became fast friends over "The Seed" by the Roots. Followed by the first PBR keg party, where Mofo was a dancin' machine. The many, many late night parties on our back deck. The crack heads in the alley who like to fight at 3am. The Easter party that included jello shot Easter eggs, which we found under the couch 6 months later because Abbey was a pitcher. The guys, oh the guys, who called 3W their home for an evening.

Abbey, Mofo, Lee Anne, Erin - the five of us had so many great times in this place.

This is also the first time that I have moved myself since 2003, which doesn't really count because it was college. That means, I HAVE A LOT OF SHIT. Seriously. This is quite possibly going to be the worst move ever.

The Ten Days of Awe

2009-09-14T11:23:00.005-05:00

...someness, that is!

According to wikipedia, the 10 days of awe is actually some Jewish holiday that has to do with self-reflection. The past 10 days in the life of Lori has included a trip to the ER, dealing with love drama, celebrating other's love, and some good old fashioned carpe diem. Usually, living life to the fulliest and seizing the day results in me making some great life choices. Let's review.

Day #1 (Friday): After going out Thursday night really late and not packing, I start my morning in a flurry trying to get ready for my 10 days on the road. Oh yeah, and I am doing this all with one arm, because my left elbow has swollen to the size of tennis ball. I get to work, and my co-workers unanimously decide that I need to go to the ER (due to said elbow).

At the Northwestern ER, I get in line behind a homeless lupus patient and in front of a crazy lady in a wheelchair. Already a great start to the day. After seeing that I had excellent Microsoft insurance, they immediately whisked me away and started doing 3,209 tests and poking me with needles. Apparently I had bursitis and cellulitis (whatever that means), which resulted in a dose of anti-biotics. I didn't even get pain killers, which means my 4.5 hour trip to the ER was worthless, except for making me almost miss my flight. Thankfully Julie saved the day by picking me up and taking me to the airport, and I checked in 1 minute before they closed the baggage check.

Friday night was a fun night out in Cincy, with two of my fave Cincy boys - Riley and Zak. We bar hopped, party crashed, and ended the night by sitting out back at Zak's talking until the wee hours.

Day #2: Saturday we surprised my dad for his 60th birthday. The day went great, there wasn't any drama, and he was surprised! Success!

Day #3: I lied to my family and told them I was leaving Sunday for Seattle (bad child) and instead I went downtown to meet Zak and crew to watch the WEBN fireworks. His friend needed security at his downtown restaurant location with an empty bardge and we needed a sweet ass place to watch the fireworks. It was an awesome night! The decision to switch to whiskey was definitely a bad one, and I regretted many things I said the next day. Thankfully all the Cincy boys are awesome, so no harm done there.

Day #4: Since day #3 was so awesome, day #4 sucked. I was extremely hungover, and was facing airports 2, 3, and 4 for the week. The Cincinnati airport terminal 2 is the worst terminal in the world. I almost missed my flight because the women at the Avis counter was the slowest. women. in. the. world. I gave up on changing my credit card and put it on my work card - eh. I'll deal with that later. Then, the terminal didn't have Gold Star or Skyline, like the other terminals. I had an entire weekend in Cincy without any chili. After my layover in Chicago and an extremely long Seattle flight, I arrive to 50 degree weather. Shitty day.

Day #5 (Tuesday): I was supposed to have my portfolio plan done by the time I arrived in Seattle since I was presenting it on Wednesday. The ER visit and migraine the week before put me out of work two days, so I was way behind. I sped to catch up, only to be stopped at 4:30pm by annoying IM's from my Seattle buddies Paul and Aaron encouraging me to go to a German bar. Of course, I immediately did! We had a great night of German beer, snitzel, and tapas.

Day #6: The German beer left quite a hangover on me for a full day of presentations. Thankfully, I seemed to pull it off okay, and we went out for a nice dinner in Seattle. I followed that up by a wine bar with a friend and a gay club with Can Can dancers. I was exhausted all day, but made it through to midnight. Rockstar!

Day #7: Full day of travel again, with airports 5, 6, and 7. I didn't sleep as much as I should have on the flights, but at least I was able to drink a bunch of Manhattan's on my 4 hour layover in O'Hare. I was reminded as to why I never take layover flights, and I vow that regardless of price to the company, it will never happen again.

Day #8 (Friday): Our first full day in Miami was a raging success. We had brunch at a Cuban restaurant with huge pitchers of Sangria, followed by mojito's at the pool. The hotel was beautiful and the staff was awesome. We went to Sushi Samba that evening, and had another great dining experience with a fantastic waiter. We visited two bars that evening, Taverna Opa where you can apparently get molested by the waiters while dancing on tables, and Mango's - where you can watch shirtless HOT men dance on the bar.

Day #9: Sus and I some how made it back to the hotel in one piece, and we had raging hangovers all day. That didn't stop us from enjoying the luxiourious beach chairs we had reserved on the topless beach. Unfortunately, a photographer had the same idea, and was sneakily taking pictures of us while we were laying out. Creepy. That night we went to a tapas place in downtown Miami, followed by the 50th floor of the Viceroy hotel and then the Delano. It was a fantastic end to a great weekend.

Day #10: Whichever engineer/architecture firm was responsible for the redesigning of the Miami airport in 1959, they should be shut down and have their offices burnt to the ground. That airport is so mother f#cking confusing. Antoher lovely day of flying, followed by laying on the couch in a state of shock that I survived the last 10 days. I watched True Blood, SYTYCD, Mad Men, and Glee to try and forget that I was losing all 4 of my fantasy football leagues this week.

Most of you, after surviving 10 days like I did - would immediately retire into a schedule of salad eating, working out, and sleeping. Unfortunately, my friends apparently will just not allow that - with the start of football and all.

This is the email that greeted me at work today:

"Alright Lori, enough of your bullshit already! Tom Brad and the NE Patriots are taking on Terrell Owens and the Buffalo Bills tonight in some electrifying week 1 action and I only have one question for you: Are you ready for some football?!?!?!

Well, now that I think about it, I actually had two questions. The second being, where are we getting drunk tonight? According to Hank Williams Jr (whom I frequently look to for guidance on most critical non-political decisions), it is going to be a Monday night party so I don't want to hear your sob story about how sometimes girls just need to not rock totally hard and have feelings instead. Put your gold teeth in and let's do this!"

Sigh.

Charlotte, WTF did you do to my elbow?

2009-09-03T11:39:00.001-05:00

Swelling since Aug 23. Did I fall?

As Soon As...

2009-08-31T17:00:00.003-05:00

There is a famous scene in Sex in the City where Carrie finally realizes that Aleksandr is always going to be distant, and she is always going to be alone in Paris. She has lunch with his ex-wife (creepy, but hey, they are French), and Juliet (the ex-wife), says, "I must admit I've been dying to meet you. I begged Aleks to set up a dinner. He kept saying 'As soon as the exhibit opens'. 'As Soon As', 'As Soon As', if I hear that phrase one more time."

As Soon As...

We all have our "As Soon As" moments. I'll look for a new job as soon as this project is over. I'll clean out my closest as soon as I have a free weekend. I'll tell my friend I have a crush on him/her as soon as I get a chance to hang out with them alone (or you have a gallon of whiskey, whichever comes first). I'll break up with my boy/girl friend as soon as their family issues are done.

The equation is typically this: I will do something that I want/need "as soon as" this other event happens that I typically don't have control over. The problem with the "as soon as" mindset is that the lack of control of all the variables in the equation almost gaurantees that the first want/need will not be addressed.

Waiting for a project to be over at work could lead to another project creeping up, a promotion, or someone else leaving at work. Waiting to have a free weekend to clean out your closest will most likely result in you booking something every weekend to avoid doing it. Waiting to tell someone you like them usually will result in them getting snatched up by someone else and ending in a "Love Actually" story line. Waiting to break up with someone - always a bad idea and someone always gets hurt even worse the longer it is dragged out.

Now that I am approaching the big 3 - 0 (yep, I will no longer be a proud member of the 20-something bloggers), I am taking life by the cahones and refusing to use "as soon as" excuses. Moving closer to the lake in a sweet expensive apartment as soon as I get a raise? Take that Steve B. - you can keep your merit increase this year, I move Sept 26! Assuming that my parents will finally stop getting on my case as soon as I have a man and settle down? No way pops, I am going to ask you why you treat me like I am a drunk idiot sometimes. Traveling to XYZ as soon as I have someone to go with me? F*ck that, I'm going alone! (well, I guess I do need to figure out where I want to go next, but God Dammit, when I do - I'm going alone!)

I think I finally have a bit more balance in my life and I have learned an important lesson over the last month. Stop waiting for other variables and people to control your life. Live your life, and as relationships come up that you are in and enjoy, keep them going.

If something bothers you or someone makes you feel sad/angry/frustrated - you have to tell them - now, not as soon as. Not in a yelling or mean way, just stick to your morals. While I did have to learn that the hard way, and possibly don't feel the same about some of my friends because of how they reacted to the aforementioned call outs, it does help you to figure out who your true friends are. The one's that you can call out for treating you like shit, and be accountable for what they did.

I will not blog the truth about what I am feeling because it may hurt people who read it, as soon as someone cuts off my fingers to prohibit me from typing. However, thankfully there are other variables at stake - Microsoft is working on software for the blind that you can speak type - no fingers needed.

Best. Weekend. Ever.*

2009-08-28T11:40:00.004-05:00

I know you were all frantically waiting for this post, checking my blog every day. Well, at least the Charlotte folks. The delay? I lost my camera charger (wait, Lori lost something?) AND my extra battery. Apparently when you plug your camera into your USB it doesn't give it back any power what so ever, and if your camera is dead you can't upload pictures. Who knew.

Another one is being shipping to Wicker Park as we speak, but knowing my success with the USPS in the worst delivery zip code (check the stats), I will get it after I move. So, unfortunately, no half naked pictures of the boys serving as Andrew's groomsmen.

Last weekend I was in Charlotte, with three purposes - seeing my neice, ladies day on the lake, and my fantasy football draft. This is always my favorite weekend of the year, since I get alone time with my ladies and with the guys. It is rare that I get alone time with the guys anymore, now that they all have significant others.

Here is the re-cap:

1. I got to see my neice, who is now 1.5 yrs old. She can say my name, dance, and even talk a little bit. She is definitely much more fun now that she does more than just cry and look around quizzically.
2. We discovered a german brewery hidden back in an industrial complex. You can order light or dark, beers are $1.50, and they keep your tab on a coaster where they just mark every time you order one. They were very accommodating of our large party and even had live music, where the guy would play any Springsteen song Nick's heart desired.
3. Cook out at Julie and Bobo's was an awesome idea. We made a ton of meat, and even had a "meat counter" where anything was up for grabs. The boys had a lot of fun hiding 10 - 12 ears of corn all over Bobo's kitchen. I highly doubt he has recovered them all.
4. Kan Jam is a very intersesting sport, apparently made even more fun when played in the dark with a glow-in-the-dark frisbee. However, whenever Julie is playing you should run away, since she is known for hitting people square in the head and giving them a three day bruise.
5. Now that we have an Ordained minister in the group, it makes renewing vows very easy. PJ put a twist on this typically classy ceremony by making all the groomsman go to the alter in boxers. I do have to say one thing, our guys have really hot bodies. Thanks for staying in shape in your old age men.
6. When you are boating out on the lake and suddenly the sky turns black, it might be time to head in. Not that we didn't enjoy being pelted by rain while Julie drove like a bat out of hell, but it could've been a lot worse if we hadn't taken action when we did.
7. One of the funniest things to do is to drink through a fantasy football draft, then pick divisions. While you pick divisions, you require everyone to take a shot of bourbon while singing a German drinking/frat boy song. I rolled my eyes when the singing started, but it actually was a lot of fun.
8. When you discover that the bar you are at has mini boots of beer with straps so that you can wear them around your neck, you are officially in heaven.
9. When adventure dining doesn't work out and you have a terrible meal, plan your evening meal at one of the best Italian restaurants in the city. It definitely makes up for it.
10. When your cab driver spends more time playing karaoke songs and drinking bourbon than driving, you may want to put on your seat belt.

That's it bitches. Re-cap of the best. weekend. ever. Pictures will follow, and will blow your mind.

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!

*Until this weekend? Floyd's has a lot to live up to.

Emotional Unavailability

2009-08-23T15:09:00.003-05:00

Lately, while I have been on quite a streak with guys, it appears I may be attracting one's that only care for me on the surface. I have had several guys express interest in me, but that is as far as it goes. There is always one reason or another for the lack of follow through.

According to Dr. Phil, this is considered "emotional availability". Apparently, we become emotionally unavailable when we are afraid. We want true love, but we are afraid of how it may hurt us. Sometimes it is because you have been hurt before and it will recreate a painful experience. Other times, it is because we harbor feelings of abondonment. To ensure this doesn't happen, we stay in control and keep the unpredictability and vulnerability at bay.

I have been unavailable in the past due to my fear of abondonment from my father. However, I do feel like I have gotten better at being able to open up. I still do have some trust issues, but most of them are rightfully so, since many guys in Chicago are players.

One of the biggest issues that I have is thinking that I can somehow change these guys. All I can do is hope that I will either meet someone who is ready for a relationship and not scared of being hurt, or that somehow these guys will come around on their own.

Unexpected Surprises

2009-08-12T22:10:00.005-05:00

In order to accurately recap the weekend, I need to take you back to something that happened before I started blogging about every relationship, hook up, and feeling I had (and aren't you glad I do?).

About two years back I had a friend turned potential relationship who we originally nicknamed "Cincinnati boy" (hey, we were running out of nicknames). I am 99% sure that he doesn't know about this blog or read it, but there's that 1% that is going to force me to be extremely vague about this.

He is friends with my college friends, came to visit, we may or may not have made out, I may or may not have visited him in Cincinnati, and he may or may not have visited me in Chicago again to go to the Widespread Panic shows. Things didn't necessarily work out - I thought he wasn't really interested in me.

So, fast forward to this weekend. The boys were in town for a gigantic surprise party for Mofo. It was well orchestrated and everyone had a fantastic time, especially watching Mofo's dance off with Hirsch. However, I ended up being the one that was surprised at how the weekend played out.

Typically one of the guys will sleep in my bed, mainly because we lack other sleeping locations and they dislike the short couch. It's usually like calling shot gun in a car, whoever snags it first gets the other half of my large Queen bed (I know what you are thinking and NO we don't cuddle). Friday night, shot gun was called by Cincinnati boy.

Summarizing - he may or may not be interested in me. I may or may not be interested in him. However, he lives in Cincinnati and I live in Chicago.

Vague enough? Thought so. Just get me drunk and I will apparently spill the rest of the story. However, since I am still on my bender, it will take a bit more alcohol than the usual. I'll take a Manhattan.

So, the weekend was a rip-roaring success and we all had a fabulous time. As if this weekend wasn't enough, Monday we went to the wanna be American Idol Chicago championship at Duffy's. If you don't live in Chicago, you aren't aware that Duffy's is a complete douche bag bar. Knowing that it is a douche bag bar, it will make sense that the entire fing bar was wall to wall packed for a Monday night American Idol wanna be championship. They also had 2 for 1 bombs - which helped make the douche bags more bearable.

We ended the night by taking over the stage for karaoke, where I did Janis (of course) and Jim and Ryan did Kelly Clarkson. I forget what Megan sang, but I do remember it being awesome and involving salsa dancing. It was great - especially for a Monday. During the course of the night, Megan and I decided that scalping tickets the next day for the Phish show was a fantastic idea. And it was.

So Tuesday I joined the hippies at Toyota Park to celebrate the Greateful Dead of our generation. We ended up buying seats from one of Megan's co-workers and I am really glad that we did. The show was sold out and no one was scalping tickets. We went to our seats, realized they were in no man's land and went down to sit with our friends Jay and Andy. The general admission was on the floor and the security was in full force to prevent anyone from getting down there.

Fortunately, this led to our entertainment, as we got to watch security gaurds chase down anyone that hopped the fence. About 1,000 people got away with it, but 15 - 20 got arrested. It was fun to watch people get away from security and the crowd would cheer for them.

The show was okay - they did play a lot of their new shit, which I wasn't as familiar with. I was really glad I went - great times all around!

Thankfully I am taking a night off from the bender, but I am back on tomorrow. Update on Mo - he hasn't called since I blew him off on Wednesday to go to Costco with Erin. You gotta have priorities.

Daddy Issue's

2009-08-06T17:46:00.004-05:00

Hopefully my trick to scare away male readers with that headline worked. Now ladies, let's talk Ed from the Bachelorette (oh, what a dirty cheater!) and SYTYCD (Can you believe they kicked off Janette?).

Well, apparently I internalize my daddy issue's, so of course I would try to avoid talking about them. I guess Ed and Janette are old news after all.

So. Last week was a rough one. I went on a bender, and drank every night but Tuesday. Not only drank. I drank Manhattan's until 4am - followed by a trip to Flash Taco. I don't know how I didn't end up in a gutter, or how I even made it to work.* This was a result of the announcement made that essentially ended my job.**

This week started out rough as well. I was in Hilton Head for the weekend with my family, who is notorious for being racist and disapproving of my lifestyle. When I was leaving Hilton Head, he told me repeatedly how worried he was about me, which to me is translated as "You drink to much and are single, so I worry about you". I finally put two and two together, and realized why I hate them so much, and why I had a small panic attack last Christmas.

My father is not known to be a good communicator. And by "good", I mean - he assumes we read his mind at all times and never tells us anything, then he gets mad when he doesn't do what his mind supposedly beamed our way. Due to this, I never received any sort of approval that what I was doing when I was little was well liked by him. I was not a boy, so I already had a strike against me, and I didn't really like sports other than cheerleading.

Since I wasn't a good little Catholic girl in High School either, my father and I butted heads a lot. A LOT. Then I ran off to college, never to turn around again. As much as I try to pretend that his approval doesn't mean anything to me, apparently it does - although I'm not quite sure why. Regardless, every time I see him or go home, I feel like I am still not living up to his expectations because:

1. I drink
2. I'm single
3. I'm not super sporty or skinny

These are things that I feel okay with, but the second I see his disapproving eyes, it bothers me (again, why - I'm not really sure). I try to internalize it and pretend it doesn't, but then I drink alcohol and start sobbing in front of a boy*** I brought home to make out with, and well - we don't want that to keep happening.

The solution? I have to confront my father and find out how I can accept him for his racist and close minded self, and see if I can get him to budge to accept that by drinking beers with friends I am not going to end up in a gutter (ignoring earlier statement about almost ending up in said gutter).

Let's save that for next week. Hopefully I will be done with my bender so I can do that sober.

Onto this weekend - it's Mofo's BIRTHDAY! Yeah! I am excited for some good ole fashioned ladies night fun.

*Well, sort of.
**In 12 - 24 months. That is better severance than anyone else I've heard of! I should really stop complaining.
***True story, happened on Sunday night with my new fling, Mo.

To Whom it May Concern

2009-07-30T16:26:00.007-05:00

Dear Steve Ballmer,

I want to congratulate you on a job well done. you've done it now. You've gone and inked yourself a deal with Yahoo! that makes Bing the second best search engine ever. Bravo, my friend. Bravo.

While you were signing that contract with your buddy Carol over there, did you discuss the fact that their sales team customer service BLOWS and advertisers hate working with them almost as much as they hate working with Google? Is that why you decided that Yahoo! will single-handedly sell all search advertising for both companies worldwide? Is that why you asked for the strict adSat survey results to be put into the contract? You're such a smart guy.

I loved your email where you mentioned that our team would be re-placed elsewhere. Are you going to single-handedly open those jobs up and let us know about them before the other 80K people in the organization that are looking for new and exciting jobs steal them? Thanks buddy.

I do love working for you - especially the working from home, wearing jeans, and getting free health care. I hope you have a job for me in Chicago (and not Redmond, WA) in 12 - 18 months when Yahoo! takes over our advertisers.

Give my love to Carol.

XO Your favorite employee

P.S. How about that merit increase that you took away? Can we get that back for a year? That would be a sweet goodbye gift.

_____________________________________________

Dear Flash Taco,

I just noticed a receipt from your establishment in my purse today when I was paying for my lunch. I do not remember visiting your location last evening at 4am and purchasing "Supreme Nacho's". I did, however, wake up feeling pretty good for the large amount of Bourbon I drank last night.

Thank you for staying open late and serving me - the bar wouldn't do that.

Thanks!

Lori

P.S. The guy that works behind the counter late night is hot. I bet he would remember me - the drunk ass, googly eyed, stumbling, loud, white girl? Yep - that's the one. Give him a smooch for me.

_____________________________________________

Dear Don Draper,

I want to thank you for the advice you gave me about how to deal with merger's when your group is going away. Turning to a bottle of bourbon and drinking Manhattan's non-stop has been great!

Unfortunately it makes me late for work, and I show up smelling like a booze hound. I really need to get a couch in my office like you have so that I can take mid-day naps. I also could use some work on the "womanizing". Perhaps you have a suggestion. All the guys I meet only want to hook up with me, and they don't seem to want to actually date. Also, I tried the married guy thing, and that didn't work so well. The married guy I made out with is having a kid today, according to Facebook. Huh - isn't Betty pregnant? Congrats!

Well, I hope your merger goes well and you still have a job so you can support your kid. I just signed a lease for a pretty pricey 1 bedroom in Gold Coast with a lake view, so I sure hope I do too when the dust settles.

Keep up the great ad campaigns!

Sincerely,

Lori

Man Hating and Manhattan's

2009-07-28T13:51:00.004-05:00

I got so excited about my new business plan for making life awesome and drinking Manhattans that I forgot to update you on my weekend! I mean, the only reason the 3 of you* read** this blog is to hear about me getting drunk and doing stupid shit.

It all started on Thursday this week. The entire office was out of town except for one of my employee's and myself, leaving us wide open Thursday night for debauchery, without the repercussion of work the next day. We decided that our bodies were capable of flashing back to 2002, and that we could drink like we did in college. We were wrong.

It started with Junction Punch's (affectionately known as Quad's at OU) and Black Widow's, which were so strong that after two of those (AND dinner) I was hammered. At that time, we decided a 20 person flip cup game in the bar was a great idea. That was followed by a douche bag Lincoln Park bar, and then I HAD to run over to Innertown because I wasn't drunk enough.

A couple hipster drinks there and we went to Flatiron to close down the bar at 4am. On a Thursday. Ouch. Along the way I picked up a straggler hipster that works for the Tribune.

Later that Friday, after I stumbled into work to get my laptop, stopped at 7/11 to get a Big Gulp, and cursed Lake Street for closing the KFC - I received a text from said Tribune guy and a friend request on Facebook. I sarcastically text him back that he was internet stalking me already - and I liked it. Crickets.

The next day we went for the longest bike ride in the entire world to Andersonville. It was hot as shit, and my mountain bike tires were not meant to keep up with road bikes. After I finally finagled the seat height and gears, I was able to somewhat keep up with the others. However I was still the straggler in the back huffing and puffing. I've gotta to stop pretending I don't smoke and actually quit smoking - again.

Nice and crispy from the bike ride, I walked over to Wicker Park Fest to partake in the street festival, bands, and beer. Who do I immediately run into while looking for my friends? Tribune guy. And he acts like a complete jerk - talking to me, but yet still ignoring me. When we ran into my friends, he lost me in the crowd by stopping to talk to two girls. Done and done.***

All pissed off and ready to man hate, I start downing beers. The man hating continued to the next bar, where we dragged unsuspecting strangers to Small Bar with us. Finally at 2am I talked some guy from Naperville into stopping at the store to get Vermouth and Makers to make Manhattans. Too bad I got dry vermouth, but hey - we were drunk enough to not care. I was still on my man hating streak, so I told him a million times we weren't hooking up - and I stuck to that decision (poor guy). We stayed up late with Ronald and Rachel drinking and smoking on the back deck, watching the sun almost come up.

In a nut shell - that was the weekend. It rocked.

*the fourth, Sam, only reads and comments in hopes that I link to his blog so people can read Dutch Oven jokes.
**Scott doesn't read the girly shit, he just scans for mentions of booty or jokes about Schlegel.
***Randomly enough, he just text me and asked what that book was that I was talking about? Que? I think he text the wrong person. Seriously.

Respect...for real this time.

2009-07-28T02:38:00.003-05:00

Update: Check the time of this entry before you judge my grammar and writing style.

A month ago, several of you may remember this post, about a guy on match.com that was pretty much just looking for a piece of ass. My ass, that is.

Tonight started out innocent enough. I sent a text out to see if anyone wanted to drink on a Monday night. Unfortunately, I got several "no" replies due to the Bachelorette finale (shocker - I work with Ed, no joke).

Anyhow, I watched some of "Mad Men", drank a couple Manhattan to get into the AMC kind of mood, and thankfully Cookie decided she would be my date for the night. We started off at Danny's, a local pub. Unfortunately, we had an admirer, which loved us a bit too much. We ditched him to go to the Gallery, and the second I walked in, I knew it was trouble.

The trombone player from match.com was there, getting ready to start his second set. Unfortunately, we had to stay to finish our drinks. We sat and listened to the band, and ducked out for cigarettes. Fortunately, while we were smoking our cigarettes getting ready to leave, Cookie recognized the owner and the next round was on him. The next three rounds of Manhattan's get foggy, but from that point on we were remainiscing the 60's with the owner.

At one point, trombone came up and tried to make converation:

Trombone: Hey - so I think I erased all the numbers in my phone.
Me: Oh. That's okay. (tone light)
Trombone: So, I need to get your number again.
Me: No. That's okay. (tone slightly more stern)
Trombone: No, so I don't have your number, and I want to make sure I have it.
Me: (channeling Joan from Mad Men) NO. That's Okay. (followed by a smirk)

It felt SO invigorating to finally be on the other side of the man bull shit. When I first walked into the bar I felt embarrassed that I was at the same bar, and that I was the one that was denied by him.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

Mad Men. You have unleashed a Manhattan drinkin', no shit takin', classy lady kinda girl.

Thanks. :-)

New Year's Resolution...in July.

2009-07-27T13:44:00.003-05:00

It's that time of the year again. Resolutions.

And no, it isn't so cold that your ears are frost bitten or your lungs are in danger of freezing over subsequently killing you. Thank god.

This is the mid-summer, weekend on repeat, tired of hanging out at the same places, trying to get over the single pity party resolution. Whenever I have a problem to solve, or event to plan, I approach it in a very business like way - with lists. Goals, to-do's, call them what you will.

The past two weekends have been a bit of a booze fest, spurred by the addition of some new singles to the group (you were too good for him!) and by the good weather. However, the conversation remained somewhat the same - "we need more guy friends", "we always do the same thing", and "why the f$% did Small Bar get rid of their Golden Tee?".

In lieu of a Golden Tee or Silver Strike at Small Bar, we are now faced with trying to secure a new place to hang, and with all of most of our guy friends in relationship - we need to meet some new guys - that don't just want to sleep with us. These goals can be accomplished in conjunction.

Here is the game plan:

1. Mix up your destinations: go to the same bars - get the same results. Do your research - what are the new hot spots, fun happy hour places, and great beer bars. Go to different neighborhoods - and don't be a neighborhood snob. Yes, LP is known for college kids - but adults live there to.

2. Go out during the week more often: bars are less crowded then, and people are more relaxed, possibly more open to meeting each other. Now, I realize that we have to work the next day, which is why...

3. Don't get butt ass wasted. Sure, you think you are more fun. Really, you are a babysitting nightmare waiting to happen. No one wants to bring "that girl" to a new party or group of friends. Butt ass wasted can be defined as - excessive slurring, going off on tangents about ridiculous topics, not being able to stand, and getting into fights.

4. Assemble your A-team: Some people are better at meeting new people than others. Assemble them when possible (even if they are in a relationship) and put them on the front lines.

This is my solution for getting rid of the pity party - as it will focus us more on having fun and less on meeting guys. Win Win!

Dance, Monkey's. Dance

2009-07-22T23:07:00.002-05:00

Like Six Feet Under, Sex and the City, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, there is officially a new show that has stolen my heart.

Quite literally....(wait for it. watch it until the end!)

So you think you can dance-bleeding love

I absolutely love this show. Sure, it helps that I love to dance and always have - even when I was a washed up cheerleader in Hamilton, Ohio. Sure, it helps that I have friends trained in dance and understand the styles. However, you do not need a lick of training to be able to appreciate dances like the one's on this show.

Keep on keepin' on Fox. And thank you for broadcasting this show instead of the Obama Healthcare announcement. Leave twisting the news and politics to Fox News.

Trolls, White Trash, and Hipsters

2009-07-19T19:38:00.009-05:00

Now that I am finally done traveling and back in Chicago, I can lay back and enjoy the beautiful city of Chicago and it's inhabitants.

On Friday my good friend had an eharmondy date that she was having trouble ditching. She called me to the rescue, and as soon as I got there, I realized what the problem was. He looked like a troll doll (and not like his online picture). Seriously.

Even worse? He liked to sing Disney songs for fun. Aladdin, the Little Mermaid - you name it and he will sing it for you.

He lived in Evanston and didn't have an exit plan for the date, so we dumped him at the Blue Line after claiming to be tired and going to bed. He apparently was going to sleep at his office downtown.

After we dropped the loser, we went out to one of my favorite hipster bars, Small Bar. I love all the people that work there, and we usually run into someone we know. We ran into Sam and Landfear and had a great night.

Saturday was an all day drinking fest that started with a wife beater party for the Sheffield Garden walk. We really fit the white trash genre well, getting hammered, yelling at the walkers, and playing intense games of flip cup.

After the white trash fest, we went to Julie's birthday party, accompanied by special guests Mike and Mel - in town from Louisville. Mike was successful in getting extremely hammered, jumping up on the bar to dance, and dropping a 40 oz all over the dance floor. After we dropped him off in bed, we went to the Rainbow Club, a famous hipster spot, and we ran into our favorite Small Bar bartenders.

One thing led to another and we were at Flatiron until 5am, doing Jameson shots (which I really needed after all day drinking). I realized that my favorite hipster bartender isn't so much of a hipster at all. We made fun of other hipster's together, playing a bit of hipster bingo. We had a ton of fun hanging out, and ended the night with smoking on my back patio and watching the sun come up.

It was kind of confusing, because he was back at my place but didn't make a move. I offered for him to stay over, and he did for a couple of hours, but then he woke me up when he left. I think I will swing by Small Bar sometime this week to say hi. Probably nothing substantial or with long term potential, but something fun. I am excited to get back to fun!

If I Die, Before I Wake....

2009-07-17T10:32:00.004-05:00

Warning: morbid entry to follow.

The ladies and I just finished watching Six Feet Under - all five seasons.

What a fantastic show.

For those of you who are not lucky enough to have experienced the HBO phenomenon, it is a series about a family who grew up in a funeral home owned by their father. They have the typical crazy family - they never talk to each other and then blow up at the most awkward times (so obviously, I could relate).

What is so great about the show is that it examines how you should live your life, how people alter their lives due to being scared of death, and how other people's death influences your life.

I loved the writing so much, that I am re-watching the end of the last season so that I can write down my favorite quotes and share them with you. Get excited.

One thing the show has made me think about, is what I want to happen when I die. If I were to pass away this second, I would imagine that my family would take my body back to Fairfield. There would be a visitation at a funeral home in Hamilton and a religious ceremony the next day at Sacred Heart Church. That's all she wrote.

Since you all know how religious I am - that thought alone is why I am writing this particular post. THIS is what I want to go down when I pass away. I'm sure I will tweak it over the years and assign owners to various parts, but I wanted to get it down on paper - signed, sealed, and delivered.

The Memorial: It is not a ceremony, and don't even let that word be whispered. There is nothing ceremonious or religious happening here. I would like it to include my friends and family sharing great and fun stories of what we did together, and painting a true picture of who I was. Thanks in advance friends. :-) I am counting on you to be humorous - this better not be a lame cry fest. I didn't stick my head out the window and do a beer bong while getting on the highway for nothing.

The Location: I guess wherever I am living when I die? On a beach somewhere would be nice, but we have to be feasible. If I die in the summer, Chicago would be nice. If I die in the winter, maybe the mountains somewhere? I will assign an owner to this at a later time - but I think you get the picture

Dress Code: Flip Flops (summer). Uggs (winter). You get the point. Comfy.

Music: Play my Zune, or whatever is cool at the time. Stick with "Hanging out Music" and not "Party Music" since I may have small children present.

My Body: No casket. No embalming. Cremation. My ashes will be thrown somewhere off a mountain into the ocean or water of some sort by my friends. Fiji? Sounds good to me.

Like I said, this is just an outline - but I wanted to make sure I got it down on paper, somewhere my friends would be able to access it.

You just never know what life has in store for you.

The One Year Blog-iversarry

2009-07-11T13:13:00.004-05:00

It has been a little over a year since I started this blog. It all came about when I was on my annual 303 reunion beach trip, where we hole up in a house with a bunch of food, booze, and the internet for a week. As I first blogged, the times were a changin' - and the dynamic of our group was starting to change. People were coupling up, drinking less, and what I might not have realized at the time - becoming more selfish.

It isn't a bad thing that people were becoming selfish. They were focusing internally more on themselves, or their couple, and what it will take to make them happy. They were making choices based on thier lives, and less focused on the group. In turn, I didn't feel I was included.

We had our annual 303 reunion beach trip last week, but with a slight twist. Our good friend Nick was turning 30, so we combined our trip with his parents trip. We accomplished the goal, which was to have a great time with Nick on his birthday. We may have slightly annoyed the other visisting families and a 1 yr old baby in the process, but I blame that on Scott and his beer bongs.

This year, the dynamic stablized a bit more - with a fair share of partying and coupling. I think due to less space (we were all crunched up in two condo's), we were sort of forced to always hang out together. Although there was a fair share of wedding talk, I didn't necessarily feel so alone this year.

While I was on the trip, I did have an opportunity to realize what kind of emotional place I am in. A place of self pity. I am so damn depressing that I don't even recognize myself. I snap at my friends for no reason, boss people around like a control freak, and whenever I start to have a good time - I remember everything else that sucks.

Why do I keep myself in this place? Ignoring phone calls and invites to go out, listening to Radiohead on repeat, continuing to let work make me crazy, and snapping at my friends? I don't want to be here, but I don't feel like I have enough hope right now to pull myself out of it.

The comical thing is that I always thought I wasn't one of those dramatic or crazy girls, but I guess we all are. I just kept it all inside.

I guess we just take it day by day, and hope that it gets better. There is a time and a place for everything, and you have to make time for tackling your demons. Either alone, with friends, or if you can afford it - with a therapist. The best time to tackle your demons is not after 10 drinks at the bar or late night drunkeness. I need to learn to handle the demons like adults - sober and with rational conversation.

Well, that was Quick

2009-06-27T22:13:00.003-05:00

Just as quickly as a hot streak comes, it rolls out.

Agency guy apparently did not have as much fun with me as I did with him, and he has not called at all. Pilot is still around, but there isn't a future there, so he is just around to make me feel better.

Back to square one!

One thing is for sure, I am not going to meet anyone this weekend. I am currently in Worthington, OH at the Ohio High School Athletic Association Official Hall of Fame Reception. Yeah. The name is longer than the excitement. My dad was inducted into the hall of fame, which is a big honor for him and it was great to see it.

However, let's picture the average official in Ohio.

Remember the guy who never left Ohio after graduating high school? And who still goes to every Friday night game? And after the game still goes to Applebee's for mozzarella sticks, and MAYBE a beer? Yeah. That guy.

Not only that, but the average age of an official is 46.

Not to mention that I am here with my crazy family. The last time we were all together was Christmas, which ended with me having a panic attack and leaving a day early so that I wouldn't com bust.

Counting down until my 1:50pm flight.

When it Rains, it Pours

2009-06-22T10:44:00.005-05:00

After a long week of rain in Chicago, the sun decided to peak it's head out on Thursday, just in time for my jam packed schedule. Little did I know, that despite the sun, it was going to be raining. Raining men, that is.

First, it started with a man that I will probably never again get the chance to see that close, Steve Ballmer Steve is essentially the new Bill Gates, for those of you who didn't know. Steve is known for going crazy on stage, so I was anticipating being spit on in the third row. Here is a video of Steve's normal stage appearance:

Either his doctor or his wife must have yelled at him about the potential for heart attack, so he was considerably more docile in our visit. He did chug three Starbuck's in the course of 30 minutes, but he didn't yell or scream - too much.

After Steve's visit, we ran up to Wrigleyville for the OU Alumni happy hour. I was anticipating meeting some cute, 20/30 something year old grads that wanted a girlfriend who can slam as many beers as they can (OU grads are the best), but unfortunately - none were in attendance. A couple of shaking hands and holding babies later - I had to run to my client event at the LaSalle Power Company.

It was the best event idea I have heard in a long time - Live Bank Karaoke. That's right - the chance to completely butcher a song, with a live band playing alongside. I left most of the singing up to the clients, since I didn't want to embarass myself - but I did allow myself to let go and have fun a bit later.

There was a guy in attendance that I had a crush on for awhile now - his nickname with my friends is "work guy" (I have gone through every witty nickname in the book after 15 years of dating - we are getting generic). One of his former co-workers at his agency joined our team about a year ago, and I recently confessed my love for him to her. She promptly went about matchmaking, and ensured that he was going to be at the karaoke event.

I was getting a vibe from him all night that was positive. Everytime I was hanging out near them he was coming over to talk to me, doing shots, etc. So, I invited him to the after hours party.

Vodka Soda + Jager Bombs + not eating a morsel of food = Brutal Honesty to strangers

I confessed my crush for him at the second bar. He was completely oblivious that I had a crush, seemed to reciprocate and went in for a kiss. I caught my sales manager looking at me funny, so I decided we need to leave and go back to my place (like he wouldn't of ended up there anyway).

I was a good girl (aka my pants stayed on), and I thought everything went well. Lots of cuddling and hugs in the morning. When he was about to leave, I thought it was odd that he hadn't asked for my number. Remembering that my guy friends have told me repeatedly that I am intimidating and don't give off flirty, "I like you" signals, I said that he should email me and we should hang out again, or he should call me. Only then did he proceed to ask for my number. Suspect.*

So I went through my Friday hungover, which matched the weather outside well - it was rainy and dark all day. I went out later Friday night after much prodding from my friends and ended up at Nick's Beergarden late night. This time, the man accompanying me home was the pilot.

I realized after my last post that I didn't properly introduce the Pilot to the readers. The pilot is a 26 yr old that graduated from OU, and until last week, he was a pilot for United Express. He was laid off on Wednesday, and since then he has been texting a lot to hang out.

The issue with the pilot is that he is more of a boy toy than a potential boyfriend. He is kind of immature, but he gives me a lot of texting attention which my self esteem appreciates. So essentially, he is a young, unemployed, booty call that is merely around to boost my self esteem. I'll take it.

Saturday we decided that it was a great idea to smoke one hits outside of a bar in Old Town while getting hammered. It was.

Let's see if we can keep this man streak hot!

Destination: Coffee Town

2009-06-14T20:25:00.006-05:00

Seattle was my destination this week, as I set out for a manager's meeting. We worked hard all day, paving the way for the future of Bing. At night we ate way too much, and threw in a couple team building activities like hiking and kayaking. We couldn't have asked for better weather!

One night my co-worker and I ducked into this random dive bar, and we ended up having a great night with the hippy bartender Dorian. He had just taken over ownership of the bar, and charged us $3 for anything we wanted. His music was supplied from a record player in the corner, and you could sift through the tubs of great records to play whatever you wanted.

When I returned to Chicago, the weather followed me. It was just in time for the naked bike parade - where I saw a ton of flacid penis'. I also hung out with the pilot, who may need a new nickname after he got laid off on Wednesday. I guess now isn't the best time to pressure him to take me out to dinner....

All in all, a great week!

Sex Without Intimacy...a Guy's POV

2009-06-11T00:01:00.003-05:00

My first guest blogger! Welcome my friend Nick from Charlotte, as he comments on my last entry.

My favorite line from the npr link: “The dilemma for this generation is how to learn about intimacy, she says: "How am I going to have a series of relationships that are going to be healthy for me and others, and going to prepare me" for settling down with one person?”

I think you should bring back the courtship ritual: “where young women entertained gentleman callers, usually in the home, under the watchful eye of a chaperone” !!!!

In all seriousness, empowered women in the world today are a great achievement! Any woman, like Lori, who is successful, fun, and can formulate her own opinion is awesome!

Historical concepts such as dating, courtship and intimacy are being redefined today. Communication technology has made the world smaller, but it is changing these historical concepts.

Texting is my favorite example of showing interest in someone, but certainly not a way of ‘courting’ someone. A simple text received by an individual wanting more out of a relationship can falsely imply the sender is interested advancing the relationship. In actuality, the sender doesn’t exactly know how the recipient will interpret the text; however, he (it’s usually a dude) does know his willingness to communicate will be viewed positively by the recipient. He is not playing the ‘courting’ game…he is playing a game of ‘disingenuous endurance’. He can play this game with multiple women each month where he sends a few texts per week to each recipient and eventually, one woman (or maybe more) will extrapolate his willingness to communicate into wanting an actual relationship – Or at least some women subconsciously believe this to justify hooking up.

Persistence is an honorable trait, but not when persistence is focused on the vice of deceit.

I hope dating and intimacy make a comeback, but I feel women (and large numbers of them) will be the determining factor. Guys have been and always will be douche bags towards women for one simple reason: it works a lot more than it doesn’t.

Just When I thought I was Crazy....

2009-06-08T22:02:00.003-05:00

The most trusted news source in the world proved me to be right.

NPR broadcast a segment this morning on sex without intimacy, and the growing trend of "non-dating". This is exactly the problem I am running into in my life. I am trying to grow up, and actually wait to have sex until I find someone who actually likes ME. Unfortunately, the trend of our age group is to hook-up first, and ask questions later.

This segment continues to point out that while it is liberating for females who are focusing on their jobs (and often making more money then men - touche), it would be all great news if the men were also stepping up on their capacity for intimacy. However, what they are finding - it is actually the opposite. Men are enjoying the sex without strings attached, and it is rare to find men that are in touch with their intimacy enough to have a strong relationship.

Young people are focusing more and more on their careers and friends, and almost giving up on relationships. "For many of us, the requisite vulnerability and exposure that comes from being really intimate with someone in a committed sense is kind of threatening."

While this article proves that what I have been saying the last six months is in fact true - it also is quite depressing. People are communicating through text messages and online, and going on dates (dinner, conversation) is rare.

Romance, my friends, is officially dead.

How's that for a hope buster single ladies?

P.S. All those who were considering getting out of their relationship in the near future just hugged them a bit tighter. "Love the One You're With", eh? Way to settle.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2009-06-07T23:01:00.003-05:00

Well, I found out apparently what it means to me.

Despite putting food in my empty stomach (to layer on top of the whiskey) and brushing my teeth (twice), I still feel an overwhelming desire to puke.

(yeah, sorry. Ew.)

No, it isn't a continuation of the hangover from Friday night.

This is a new moral hangover that started around 9:30pm tonight when my date ended.

I went into my date headstrong. I knew that despite this being our third date, he was texting me randomly and using words like "casual" when describing his dating stance. Hell, I even called him out at the bar for being "presumptuous" about me coming back to his place. I was strong, blunt, and proud of myself.

Until I had 6 whiskey soda's.

Why. Why do I pretend to be such a self-respecting, headstrong woman - when I am just going to buckle the first time a hot, fun guy shows a bit of interest in me? It is so obvious he even said it when I called him out:

Me: "Well, are you just looking to hook up, or are you looking to date someone?"
Him: "I'm not looking for anything serious."
Me: (thinking)
Him: "Well, define dating"
Me: "Define serious"
Him: "I think I already answered your question"

Then he changes the subject. WHY am I STILL at the bar at this point? I should have finished my drink and gracefully flagged a cab.

No.

According to smarter people than I, I have walls up so high that normal guys can't get through them. I therefore attract "casual" daters, since I am fun and like to drink. Then I hate myself, feel like I want to puke, then repeat.

No, this is not me drowning myself in pity so that you will post comments telling me how wonderful I am. The opposite. This is my plea to all you single girls out there - set your morals and stick with them.

And single guys - stop being f*cking douche bags.

I heart New York

2009-06-04T17:56:00.005-05:00

Although I only lived in New York for a year, I feel that was long enough to experience enough that New York had to offer without completing hating it. I love going back as a visitor, which is what I did this weekend/week, since work was flying me there anyway.

We first went to the 600-seater beer garden in Astoria that opened that week. This place was massive, and they had sangria on tap (minus the fruit, they added that separately).

Then we watched the Cavs lose, while listening to an awesome live band, who played a song from the movie "Once". I almost jumped the singer when he started singing. This bar also had gluten-free beer, which was DELICIOUS. Almost better than real beer (I swear).

Then Richie got drunk because the Cabs lost, took off his jersey, and put it over the TV screen so we couldn't see LeBron pout like a 2 year old.

And the ladies did what we normally do - and drank the night away.

Sunday we made our own sangria and went to Central Park, followed by a dinner in Union Square. Even with the iPhone, dinner choices in New York are seriously the hardest decisions to make, because there are 10,000 restaurants in Manhattan alone (ok, that is probably exaggerated).

Even though I had a ton of work to do on Monday, I promptly ignored it and went out for drinks and trivia with some co-workers, one of which was an OU grad that I got hired last year. We went vodka soda for vodka soda, and at 1:30am (and drink #9 for each of us), we called it a night. I decided I didn't have a gluten allergy and that pizza was in order - which I promptly paid for in the morning. I apparently DO have a gluten allergy.

Tuesday was an all day long manager meeting, followed by martini's. We ended my Manhattan whirlwind week with drinks at three different bars, because I hadn't drank enough already that week. I barely remember setting my alarm, falling asleep with the light on, nor calling for two wake up calls. I was very confused in the morning.

Now I am back in Chicago, ready to try on bridesmaid dresses and sleep all weekend. But not after I shamelessly promote Bing.com and go out for drinks with co-workers on Steve Ballmer's budget. Nothing like getting hammered with co-workers and spilling the beans about something that I shouldn't to kick off the weekend right!

Two People in One

2009-05-29T12:54:00.004-05:00

Abbey and I spent a perfect rainy Monday afternoon in Chicago for our day off. There were mani/pedi's, followed by catching an IFC flick at Landmark. Then we walked around the city, browsing book stores and looking for a great restaurant to end our night with. We landed at Cafa Ba Ba Reba, which is a fantastic tapas place in Lincoln Park.

While at dinner, Abbey was explaining to her thoughts on the movie Vicky Christina Barcelona. It examines two common personalities in women; "Vicky", the sensible one that is following societies path of career, husband - and "Christina", the one who follows her heart, and lives life how she feels in the moment.

Abbey said that I was like a Vicky Christina put together.

I have these two sides, the successful corporate manager with a big paycheck, lots of consumer goods that go along with that, and an online dating life where I actually go on sober dates with men, and find out about them.....

and then there's the drunken, often crazy, hippy type that is often very spontaneous, and lives for the moment with men - often ending in a fun and crazy night, with no follow up phone call.

Is it possible to take the best aspects of both? The hippy with the sober dates?

The question that Abbey was trying to answer was -

"Are we to enveloped in what society wants us to be, to be able to be who we are?"

Yes.

How do we fix that?

Deal Breaker's

2009-05-25T21:58:00.003-05:00

We all have our deal breaker's. Whether it is discussing our deal breaker with friends, deal breakers with music, deal breaker's with bad TV, or deal breaker's with relationships - there are certain things that we will just not put up with.

In an ironic twist, Urban Dictionary also defines deal breaker as a "distant cousin to the 'shocker'". Yes, that is a deal breaker for me.

The ladies and I got into a conversation about true deal breakers on Thursday night, after viewing the new modern wing of the Art Institute of Chicago.

The question to be answered was - what are your three main (and specific) deal breakers? Then - what is your "nice to have" fourth?

We went into the conversation with some general assumptions (which I think we would all agree that a "deal breaker" in the form of the distant cousin to the shocker would be included, but thanks Urban Dictionary for that reminder). The assumptions were that the person would enjoy eating good food and drinking alcohol (although Kelly went a step further to define that as her extra nice to have).

My deal breakers were as follows:

1. The person I date must have an optimistic, or at least open minded, view point. Pessimists or non-problem solvers need not apply.
2. They must be self-sufficient. This refers to money, sleeping arrangements, friends, and confidantes. I cannot solely supply any of the above.
3. They must have similar social opinions. Specifically in reference to gay marriage, racism, and the women's right to choice.

My extra, or nice to have, was that they wouldn't be overly involved in fashion/appearances. Or if they cared a lot about their appearance, that I wasn't to be held to any sort of standard or made to feel bad about my appearance in any way.

What are your deal breakers? Do they change when you meet someone, as you adapt to their personality?

I could probably list out 20 deal breakers, as I feel three barely scratches the surface of what I am looking for. Does that make me too picky?

At what point do you cross the line between standing up for who you are and what you want, and being to picky and non-open minded about a potential mate?

This conversation all started as a result of me sharing my most recent online date with Matt. He was great, a very nice guy - but he was kind of shy and didn't come off to me as being a real party animal. Will that work with crazy Lori? When is it okay to compromise the drinking/party lifestyle for someone who encompasses all those nice, non-game playing things that we always bitch about guys lacking?

So many questions tonight, with so little answers....

Send me Texts!

2009-05-21T16:39:00.002-05:00

But only if they are funny enough for me to post here:

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

I just spent a half hour at work laughing out loud while reading these.

Hilarious.

Oh, and apparently Raphael got out of his black hole, but this was his text (three days after I invited him to hang out this Friday):

"Sounds nice. Wish I could. Raincheck for sure."

Um. No.

My gorgeous eyes are no longer pointing in your direction.*

*well, unless he sexts me for a booty call while I am intoxicated.

Compliment and Run

2009-05-21T15:07:00.002-05:00

Twice now - twice - I have been victim of a "compliment and run" guy.

You know, those guys who tell you a million times how much they like you, your eyes, your shirt, your body, your personality, and your taste in music. Then they never call.

Why the overkill? Why do you have to tell me that you will definitely call me Monday and that you can't wait to hang out?

Oh right, because you want to sleep with me.

And I didn't.

First, it was Raphael from Match (the trombone player). We had two great dates, and on the second date - yes, there was a hot kiss, but no - I did not accept the invitation to listen to jazz music in his apartment (c'mon - it was a Tuesday). Despite his repeated plea that my eyes and shirt were awesome and that he couldn't wait to hang out again - he officially has landed in the black hole.

Second, it was Ben from my OU visit (no, he was not a student). Finally, I met a guy from Ohio, who went to OU, was cute (but not too cute), has a job, had a beard, like the same music, could drink/hang with the best of 'em, was sarcastic (but not overly), and wasn't full of himself (so I thought). He told me no less than 1 million times* that he was definitely going to call me on Monday (and this was way before we were even in a hook up potential stage), and we even had morning cuddling conversation that was great. Nope. It is now Thursday and Ben has also disappeared into the black hole.

What is my luck?

Let's vote on why we think these boys are fanning me with compliments, and then disappearing:

1. They are in a coma.
2. They were lying, and never intended to hang out again
3. They only wanted to sleep with me, and once I didn't, they were no longer interested.
4. I am a bad kisser (anyone want to submit a testimonial?)

Take a stab dear readers.....

*might be an exaggeration

Leaving the Past in the Past

2009-05-18T14:32:00.002-05:00

Returning to a town where you lived, or spent a lot of time in, always brings up memories. Some of them are good memories - like doing the court street shuffle with your best friends, and some are not so good - like the time I got arrested solely due to being too drunk to speak.

This past weekend, we returned to Ohio University in Athens, OH. The act alone is not unusual for me, as I go back to OU every 6 months for my College of Business board meetings. However, what made this visit special was that we were going back for a reunion of graduates from 1997 - 2003. The nervousness came from the idea that I would see someone who knew me then - that doesn't know me now. Someone who knows only of the "old Lori".

"Old Lori" was in college from 1998 - 2002, somewhat skinny (well, freshman year at least), always drunk (or blacked out), was a make-out bandit (and more in too many cases), and did more drugs than most human beings should do in their lives, much less on a daily basis.

However, "old Lori" did at least graduate, with a 3.4, and secured a great job, friends, and living situation that has catapulted into "current Lori".

The knots in the pit of my stomach, the constant worry that the person on the other side of the bar is talking about you because they made out with you in 2001, the fear that you are a drunken idiot oblivious to messes that you are creating - all of that needs to go away. You can't change the past, and can only influence the present and future.

As long as you are moderately happy with the person that you are now, you have to forgive yourself for the past.

I think I was finally able to do that with this trip, realizing that no one else really still remembers (nor cares) about "Old Lori" and her devious ways, and if I really wanted to make an impact - "Current Lori" is going to be the one to do it.

....and she returns!

2009-05-11T21:41:00.004-05:00

The longer that I put off writing a blog entry, the more that it built up. Ahh, I should come back with something profound and fabulous....

Well, sorry. That ain't happenin'.

However, I will give you a brief summary of what happened while I was away.

We had our first day of nice weather in Chicago, which resulted in everyone coming out of hibernation to drink outside at Wells on Wells. This was followed by a fabulous dance party thanks to my fantastic Internet jukebox selections. The next night, I was found eating homemade ribs, jumping on a trampoline while singing rock band, and drinking lots of margaritas while we celebrated Matt's birthday. Unfortunately, Abbey made her way home with a hunk of lovin' while I went to Nick's Bar alone and played Golden Tee (nothing like a drunk girl playing golden tee alone at 4am....that just screams desperate).

That week at work, My tired ass found out that she had to lay people. That made my week in Seattle especially long and grueling, and difficult to be stuck in training. I had to jump on a 6am flight from Seattle to come home to a 4 hour HR training on the "right" way to lay people off.

Thankfully, after my training (which included telling me that I couldn't apologize, but that I could say "I appreciate how you are feeling"), the ladies were home to cheer me up. It was Erin's birthday, and work problems aside - there was a fiesta to be had.

Unfortunate for my diet, that celebration included the best tasting enchiladas north of the border, but yet I could not partake due to the diary restriction (a life without cheese is no life at all). So, I decided to turn to cigarettes to ease my pain.

That's right - I am smoking again.

The Derby party was a success - mint juleps and big hats. The night ended at a karaoke bar and a cougar experience.

That week was layoff + birthday week. Not the best combination, but thankfully layoff day occurred on Cinco de Mayo. After much needed tequila, my dinner date with Julie turned into a liquid dinner followed by my endless bitching about not being happy. Somehow at the end of the night, I ended up in a cab with a random girls cell phone, which I thought was Julie's. Said girl proceeded to call me at FIVE THIRTY AM to see who had her phone. F*ck. Then I had to go into the office, hungover on tequila, and say good-bye to employees by taking their laptops, AMEX, and badges.

Thanks random 23 year old.

So, then it was finally the big day - my 29th.

Work surprised me with flowers, I was happy and cheerful all day, and my friends all went out with me and got me drunk. I also broke my diet, drank Hacker Pschorr, and ate a turkey burger ON THE BUN with chili aoili. Heaven.

Unfortunately, I also drunk texted warm body and asked him to come over to "hook up" (Seriously, that is what my text said. Shameful.).

After he left the next morning, Erin and I spent the day watching Six Feet Under - Season 2 (thanks mom!), and then I went out for Brianne's birthday. Saturday night was Hoffy's birthday party, which was a fantastic event involving good music, good food, good booze, and cigarette smoking indoors.

Unfortunately (again), that night also ended with a slumber party, but this time at hotel in the Viagra triangle (don't ask). No, slutty Lori is not back - she just had a relapse in judgement for the weekend.

So there you have it. Nothing profound, just a list of all the activities you missed on my break. I typically hate giving run downs that quickly (and dryly), but I am on a break from being creative for awhile, and until I am done with this ongoing midlife crisis, you just have to deal with it.

XOXO, GG

I'm Tired of Asher Roth

2009-04-22T17:03:00.002-05:00

That's right - two posts in one day! Happy gloomy Tuesday!

I ranted and raved in my last post, but I apparently missed one: Asher Roth.

I am okay with his original - "I Love College" only because I can picture your's truly dancing on a table at Lucky's to this song....while in college. I won't be the old woman hatin' on the youth.

However, this version is too much to handle. I do love Charlotte, I lived there for awhile, but the repetition in this song and the lyrics do not represent Charlotte - except for the douche bags that go to Suite every weekend. Yuck.

I'm Tired of ______________

2009-04-22T10:43:00.005-05:00

It is the second day of my new diet (no eggs, gluten, or dairy), and I have a serious flaw in my plan. Although I can drink liquor and wine - what do I do during the day when I can't consumer alcohol and I have a particularly bad day at work (i.e. today)?

I just feel tired.

I am tired of trying to fit 5 hours of workouts a week into my schedule when I dread working out.

I am tired of weighing myself every week, and watching the scale tip back up when I stop doing the 5 hours of workouts.

I am tired of logging onto match.com and chemistry.com, reviewing my winks, matches, nudges, and interested parties, and trying to find the one guy that is not socially inept on the site.

I am tired of scheduling and rescheduling drinks with the aforementioned socially inept guys so that I can determine once and for all if they really are socially inept, just to end the night with my face in a glass of Makers writing posts like this one, where I rant on and on pathetically.

I am tired of stressing out about a diet, while watching everyone else eat whatever they want (and enjoy it). Yesterday morning, I was tired of eating under 1500 calories. Today I am tired of checking every label for milk, wheat, and eggs - and of course - they ALL have one of the three.

I am tired of people at work being pussies. Yes, I had to use that word. If you didn't want to be in the line of fire on the hook for revenue, then why the hell were you a business major in the first place? You knew what you were getting into when you declared your major - business is a cut throat and miserable place to be! AND - I am tired of having to take your sensitive feelings into consideration. I pay you fairly and you get ridiculously great benefits. Me asking you to work one extra hour is not something to cry over, especially when I let you WFH (aka do nothing) the next day!

I am tired of hearing the phrase "Do More with Less" at work. I get it. Just lay people off and get it over with.

I am tired of traveling for work. While I am a Starwood Whore and love the points, it would be nice to be in the city that I live for a month.

I am tired of myself - trying to be a perfectionist and whining and crying about everything when I should be happy that I have a job, paycheck, food (although it is gluten, dairy, milk free), a nice apartment, cable TV, friends that are awesome, vacation days, and booze.

Lastly, I am just tired. I had to leave for work at 7am for a stupid early management meeting, and now I have back to back meetings, a personal training appointment, and a stupid match.com date all in a row. Tomorrow I get to leave again at 7am for my doctor's appointment. I just want to sleep!

For the two of you who were actually bored enough at work to make it through my entire rant, thank you. I am not tired of you reading. But I am tired of making Internet smiley faces - so none of those.

A Life without Cheese

2009-04-21T21:47:00.002-05:00

Ever since my magical doctor cured my stomach disease, I have been able to drink as much booze as I want and not have to puke 18 times the next day while downing Pepcid AC. Magic.

However, Mr. Magic apparently now thinks I have a food allergy.

In order to prove this terrible idea, I have to fore go eating dairy, gluten, and eggs for 6 weeks.

No cheese.

No pizza.

No omelette's.

How does one live?

Yes to vodka soda.

Yes to wine.

Yes to martini's.

Oh god. Shitty six weeks.

Easter Weekend and the "I can't click with guys" rant

2009-04-20T16:40:00.005-05:00

Easter Weekend is typically not something that I celebrate. Except for the time we had a big party at our house and filled plastic Easter eggs with jello shots - I am not a celebrator. (By the way, we found one of those eggs under the couch in November. Not good.)

However, I had visitors this Easter weekend, so I buckled down into entertaining mode. It was quite an active weekend (pictures below):

Eat at Lucky's Sandwich Shop because they have Pittsburgh style sandwiches
Go to the Haufbrauhaus to relive my Munich vacation, do a shot ski and drink large beers
Sing Janis Joplin for karaoke at Louie's (where friends meet)
Go to Eleventh City Diner for breakfast (yummy!)
Try to go the Pirate exhibit at the Field Museum, but it was sold out (aarrgghh!)
Give them a tour of the Microsoft Technology Center
See Bye, Bye Liver - an interactive comedy show
Play beer pong at Streeter's
I met a guy from California in town on business and made out with him (go me!)
Had brunch at Julie's - where she made a delightful crab quiche and we celebrated how much we loved bacon (bippity boppity bacon!)
Watched several episode's of Deadwood and cooked a delightful Sunday night dinner

My Rant "I can't click with guys":

I had a hot date Saturday night and we went to Bluebird for drinks, then Hot Chocolate for dinner. I wore my very hot BCBG black dress. Everything was going really well, but then it seemed to go slightly down hill after we left the restaurant to go to another bar. We stayed out until 2am, but I didn't get any vibe's that he was interested. My slight hand on the knee moves went unanswered, and he seemed to get more and more pessimistic and bitter as the night went on. Ugh. Another one bites the dust? Or I am over analyzing?

Either way, I just don't know if we "clicked". It seems that anyone that I ever "click" with lives 3,249 miles away. Example - in the past two years the only "clicks" I have really had have been with guys that live in Dublin and California.

No, I am not open to moving.

I renewed my Match.com membership, even though I told myself that I wouldn't, so I now have 6 more months of lame dates with socially inept guys. I also joined Chemistry.com hoping that I would "click" better there, but so far no dice.

Why is it so difficult for some people to meet guys that they "click" with, while others seem to have a boyfriend lined up before they break up with the other one? I implore my friends to inform me - if there is something glaring about me that makes guys run in terror, please friends - do tell. I know where I lie on the Joey Friends scale, so no need to remind me of that number.

I guess I will end my rant there. I think the rainy gross weather is getting to me, along with the lack of prospects to date as I approach another birthday (yuck - 29). And not to mention I haven't really hooked up with anyone besides making out in a LONG TIME (like Australia long time - NOVEMBER).

Bah.

Pictures from Easter!

Tansky and I in all our glory

The crew at karaoke

Shot ski's!

Lucky's Sandwiches

My make out partner - Joe :-)

European Carnage 2009: Munich

2009-04-10T16:19:00.005-05:00

The last stop on our carnage through Europe was Munich. We were pretty tired of living out of a bag, but we managed to cram out 1,428 souvenirs from the Prague Easter Market into them.

We headed out via train and met someone also traveling the same way. She was from Sweden, and we conversated for 7 hours (with a couple naps in between) about her socialist government and the difference between theirs and ours. We decided that she won with her free healthcare and college education.

The next day we had an 8am appointment with a travel bus that took us to Ludvig's castles that he built during his reign. Not only were the massive, but unique in their solitarity. He hated seeing and talking to people, so he created a dinner table that you could pulley up and down. That way, he didn't even have to see the servants. Now that is the definition of insanity.

That night, we headed out to the Haufbrauhaus to clank some large glasses and meet some Bavarian guys. We were in luck on both counts. Cookie has the fun pictures from that night, but we ended up doing snuff and dancing to Lionel Richie and the worst DJ I have ever heard.

Next Stop: Home sweet home, Chicago

Pictures!

SPEITZEL!

Erin and Cookie with their big ass beers at HB

Ludvig's big ass castle (that was never finished)

Ludvig's other castle

The front yard....with the Alps in the background!

European Carnage 2009: Prague

2009-04-09T13:36:00.006-05:00

In true Berlin style - while Abbey went to the airport hammered, we went to the train station drunk. We also had experienced Daylight Savings Time (for the second time) the night before, so we were all sorts of hungover, tired, and cracked out. After a 6 hour, uncomfortable train ride - we finally arrived in Prague.

Since we had slept the entire train ride instead of reading the guide book, we arrived without really knowing where we were or what we were doing. They had this funny currency, KC, and we had no idea what 1000 KC meant (we now know it means $50). We also were unaware that the cab drivers in Prague were super shady, so they tried to get us to pay them 500 KC to go to our hotel. Thankfully, we are very good at figuring out train rides, despite everything being in one of my most difficult foreign languages, and we were able to make it to our hotel.

We were so tired/hungover and I was starting to get a cold, so after tromping about in the rain and finding a meal, we called it a night.

The next day was filled with sight seeing, which included hanging out in the Easter Market in Old Town Square. We were lucky enough to meet a young boy from Iowa who invited us to a pub crawl that evening. Excited at the thoughts of meeting a crew as fun as our Berlin crew was, we immediately signed up.

Being that it was a Monday night, our pub crawl crew consisted of us, 6 British boys, a racist guy from Boston, and an Australian. After drinking games at the first stop, we headed out to the next bar.

This is when the night got interesting.

One of the British guys, Lee, decided it was a good idea to run over a car. Literally, from trunk to the top to the hood, he jumped in three leaps on a car and over it. Apparently, the two very large Czech bouncers from across the street (that were also packing guns), did not think this was a good idea.

They walked over and started harrassing Lee, while Lee's friends begged them to take money in exchange for beating the shit out of him. The one guy punched Lee (which sounded more like a bitch slap), and his friends proceeded to throw 1000 KC at them. We kept urging Lee to walk away, and eventually the two larger guys gave up, they didn't want to chase us down the street.

However, a third person emerged, who claimed he was a cop and wanted to fine Lee. Convienantly, if Lee paid on the spot then he wouldn't have any charges. I had read about people posing as cops in the guide book to get money from tourists, so I got involved and told the guy that he would need to call back-up that is in a uniform in order for us to pay any fine. As if on cue, a cop car rolled past, and I went to flag it down - of course, the guy disappeared.

The rest of the night went on without incident, although we did go to a shady bar with people smoking weed in the back, and then a shady dance club.

Net/Net - Prague was a bit shady for us in the nightlife scene, but an extremely beautiful city otherwise.

Food Favorites: Potato Pancakes and Goulash! (pictured below)

Next Stop: MUNICH!

Pictures!

So, this picture didn't turn out, but it is my cutie hockey player from the US that we met at a bar. So cute!

Australia, Erin, Me, and Richard (from Manchester)

The three ladies

The church in the middle of the Prague Castle

The church outside of Old Town Square, at night (right behind our hotel)

Potato Pancakes and Goulash! With onion soup and apple strudel for only 199 KC ($10)!

The panorama from the Prague castle

The top of the church in the Prague Castle. Love the gargoyles.

Me! At the Prague Castle

The Easter Market outside of Old Town Square, where we bought way too many souvenirs

The church outside of Old Town Square, with the blossoming flowers!

The Prague Castle and Charles Bridge

European Carnage 2009: Berlin

2009-04-08T22:00:00.008-05:00

Ohhhhh. Berlin.

I feel like no matter what I write here, I cannot do the experience in Berlin justice.

We arrived in Berlin somewhat tired, and I wasn't feeling well. I started having pains in my side when we left London, and I was pretty sure that I had a kidney infection. I didn't drink any beer while in Amsterdam, and drank liters and liters of water, hoping to flush out the infection. When we arrived in Berlin, I emailed my doctor to see if I could get anit-biotics, or if I was going to have to go to the doctor.

That night, the ladies were gearing up to go out and get a couple beers at the hostel bar (we stayed at the Circus - it was awesome!). I was faced with a difficult decision - stay in and be miserable or go to the bar and risk my kidneys. Of course, I chose the latter.

(Thankfully, my kidneys got better and this story doesn't end at a Berlin hospital. Though, I was not the only one that we thought was going to end up there.)

A couple of drinks turned into three boots of beer, and we made new friends from England, New York, and Germany. Apparently bars don't close in Berlin - ever. Seriously. I asked the bartender when they would close and he said "When you stop drinking". Crazy.

That night, Abbey's purse got stolen off her arm, and Erin got shot in the foot while trying to get the purse back. (okay, what really happened is that while Erin was standing outside of a pizza place devouring her piece, her ankle rolled on her and she sprained it, but we like the first story better). Abbey recovered from her purse loss (she was drunk at a bar by the hostel and left it), and Erin hobbled around on vicadin until it was better. Thankfully, the British friend we made was a nurse, who was able to mend Erin's foot and council Abbey into sanity.

Highlights from the rest of the Berlin:

We brushed up on WWII and Jewish history at the Holocaust Museum, the Jewish Museum, and the Berlin Wall.
We visited Checkpoint Charlie, Reichstag, Brandenburger Gate, the Film Museum, the East Side Gallery, and other great places.
We chowed on various forms of Weiner Schnitzel, potato salad, and Currywurst - yum!
Our drinking crew at the hostel was the most fun! Wednesday and Saturday we stayed at the hostel all night, and Friday night was our night out at "White Trash Fast Food".
Lorraine made an appearance - ugh - which means that I blacked out on Friday....
The best late night food was at the International food place across the street from our hostel - Doner Kebab!
Lee Anne joined us on Friday, and Abbey and Penny left us to go back to Chicago on Sunday - and Abbey went to the airport completely hammered!

Next Stop (and then there were three): PRAGUE!

And, pictures....

Erin, Chris, and Penny - Erin is showcasing her sprained ankle and Chris was the angel who helped to mend it!

Dennis and Mark - pre das boot

Fiona, myself, and Graham - our Dublin friends

Yes, they love the Hoff in Berlin

Graham - my Dublin boy!

European Carnage 2009: Amsterdam

2009-04-07T09:42:00.005-05:00

The second stop on our European Carnage tour was Amsterdam. I almost feel like I can't go to Europe without visiting this lovely city. Anyone who has been there knows that it is really only for one reason....we took full advantage by sitting in The Doors coffee shop for 6 hours. Once you find a coffee shop with good music, you really just can't stop. :-)

We did also go to the Van Gogh Museum, which had Starry Night on loan from New York, and a fantastic exhibit to go along with it. I had been to the museum before, so it was nice to see something new. We went to see the movie Defiance (please, do not see this movie), which was only made better by space cakes. The last day, we went to the Anne Frank house, which combined with the movie, went nicely with our World War II theme for the trip (our next stop was Berlin).

Short re-cap here, but really, it's hard to re-cap 6 hours of high bliss....

Some pictures:

One of the canals at night
One of the canals during the day

Where we spent 6 hours of our night :-)

European Carnage 2009: London

2009-04-06T15:52:00.010-05:00

The first stop in our Europa 2009 debauchery was London. Erin and I arrived, completely jet lagged and exhausted - and it was one person's fault. The annoying little piss ant of a girl that was sitting 8 rows behind us. That's right - 8. We could hear her entire ridiculous conversation with her high school crush from 8 rows up. The entire plane was dead silent, the lights were off - I mean, it was a red eye for God's sake.

Here is an excerpt:

HS Crush: Yeah, I like to listen to Radiohead.
Evil bitch: Oh my Gawd. I love Radiohead.
Evil bitch: (giggling)
HS Crush: Yeah.
Evil bitch: I like to listen to them.
HS Crush: I love 3 Doors Down.
Evil bitch: Oh my Gawd! I love 3 Doors Down too!

Seriously. The most boring conversation ever, especially when you are trying to sleep. Despite a Xanax and 1/2 of a codeine, I was unable to sleep. Erin was the same, despite a Vicodin and 1/2 of a codeine.

Once we arrive, we took the city by storm, despite the jet lag. We hit up the British History Museum, the Covent Garden market, numerous pubs, Wagamama (mmmm), Woking, Borough Market, Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, and walked around the city in a bunch of different areas.

Highlights and general observations:

Scottish guys in kilts need to use more deodorant and assume that every girl wants to make out with them.
16 pieces of pizza at 3am is never a bad idea.
I heart Abbey's London boy - Gordon (pic below).
"In it!" is slang for "isn't it?"
Woking (where Erin used to live when she was younger) is a cute, quaint town with a great little pub (the Mayberry Inn).
It is difficult to order a mixed shot anywhere in London. You would think the concept of a Lemon Drop would be easy to explain....

All in all, a great first stop on the Europe Carnage Tour, 2009.

Next Stop: Amsterdam!

Some pictures:

Gordon, Abbey's London boy

The Borough Market. Sooo cute and so many great finds! A chef's dream!

The Anchor - the bar where we watched rugby

The ladies - out Friday night. We don't even look jet lagged!

She's Baaaaccckkkk!

2009-04-04T18:45:00.002-05:00

Thought I had disappeared from blogging life?

No, no my friends. While you were searching the internet aimlessly for me, I was blowing it up in Europe for a little over two weeks. London, Amsterdam, Prague, Munich, and Berlin.

Jealous?

You should be. :-)

Detailed entriest to come when I am not jet lagged. I have to go get drunk in order to stay awake!

Prost!

The Green Man Cometh

2009-03-16T12:21:00.006-05:00

We did exactly what the opposite of what we said we were going to do this weekend.

We all complained about not wanting to go to the crazy Irish bars with all the drunk, sloppy people -so of course, we went to Corcoran's (a crazy Irish bar with a lot of drunk, sloppy people).
Erin said she wasn't going to go out to save up for Europe - but she came with us to Burwood tap and bought 2,329 shots of Rumpleminz.
We said we weren't out to meet guys since it was the sloppiest day of the year, but us single gals threw ourselves (borderline pathetically) at guys at Burwood Tap.
I said I was going to try to eat right, so that I could drink my calories - but I ended up at Picante for late night nachos.

At least I got a picture with a green man....which resulted in singing the Charlie "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" musical song the rest of the night....

He definitely had a cup on, or perhaps stuffed that area? I should have asked...

Onto more important things......

We are finishing up final arrangements, buying last minute items, and starting the impossible process of packing everything into a carry on (yikes!).

Drunk, Sloppy Guys won't stop hitting on me....

2009-03-08T20:40:00.005-05:00

Location: Mullen's (Wrigleyville, Chicago)
Date: Saturday
Time: 7:30pm
Occassion: Ryan's birthday celebration
Table: Sat for 10, 6 people sitting around eating and drinking

Two guys dressed in St Patrick's day garb walk over to Shauna and I at the table.

Guy #1: "These are for you."

He sets down two red bull and vodka's.

Shauna: "Um. Thanks."

We both push them slightly away from us, unsure if they are laced or not.

Guy #1 falls over and tries to hold onto the bar stool to stay up.

Guy #1 (slurring): "Soooooooooo. What's your name?"

We reply with our names.

Me: "You guys are celebrating St Patrick's day a little early, eh?"

Guy #2: "We are celebrating Green Beer Day."

Me: "Ah. So you went to Miami."

Guy #2: "Ohhh, yeah."

Guy #1 and Guy #2 proceed to join our table, insult all the women sitting there while trying to hit on them, and finally annoy Kristin so much that she asks them to leave our table. They don't move (probably because they were too drunk to walk), and finally one of our friends gets the bouncer, who promptly kicks them out of the bar for being WAY too drunk.

I believe this is what I have to look forward to this weekend.

Facing (Death) Reality

2009-03-01T22:30:00.004-06:00

You know that a show is excellent when it makes you want to get up and do something. Whether it is a documentary, TV series, radio broadcast, or movie - it's ability to invoke an emotion in you is typically it's primary goal.

My friends were nice enough this weekend to invoke Six Feet and Scrabble Sunday's, where we cook dinner, watch Six Feet Under, and play Scrabble. While the latter never occurred (I don't even know if we have the game???), we did eat and watch. I made a fantastic Chicken Paprika with Ziti (an old dish from Holland) and we watched the first three episodes of Six Feet Under.

I have never seen the show, so I was completely unsure of what to expect. The quirkiness of the show and realistic creepiness of the characters really has me hooked. What I didn't expect was the side effect I got of watching them interact as a family, and deal with their relationship issues with the dead. I got the feeling that I need to work better to resolve my issues with my family.

Now, while I am alive.

Sigh.

Well, I knew I was going to have to face them someday.

My next step that I have been waiting for is for me to finally write out what it is that I am actually feeling, and what it is that I want to say to my mother. That is my new task for this week that I am signing up for. I think it will go something along the line of "we never talk about anything and suppress all of our feelings", followed closely by "I think you measure my worth based on who I am (not) married to and the (lack of) number of children I have", and finishing up with "I have daddy issues because mine is such a jerk, which leads me to (sleep with) date losers."

Or maybe I will write just write a will, and throw all of that into an envelope to be read at my funeral.

Either way, I guess it needs to be written.

I guess after I finishing writing 6 mid-year performance reviews "Bobby is great at communication, but I would like to see Bobby fine tune his presentation skills and own the room." I will be ready to write something true, honest, and bare.

Pouting over the Internet

2009-02-26T11:13:00.007-06:00

Usually, the dear Internet is my friend. I cuddle with it at night and get withdrawal if I am away from it for more than a quick underground train ride. However, lately, it has not been reciprocating my love.

First, I have started to back away from Match, after my fantasy dating team tanked. However, recently a guy arose that peeked my interest with his emails and genuine interest in the form of actual questions. He asked me out for this Sunday, and in the shortest email he has ever send me, today he canceled. He apparently has to go to the suburbs due to car troubles, and something about his sister having people over for a family party (sounds like a LAME excuse to blow me off).

*Insert the "I got dumped before I even met the guy" pout.*

Secondly, despite changing my name on Twitter, I could not ward off all of my co-workers and employees from being my Twitter friend. Ugh. So now I can't post anything about work, hooking up, boozing, or general debauchery. In other words, I will not be posting. I may have to set up a new super secret Twitter account....

*Insert the "I like to lead a double life" pout.*

Lastly, ever since I introduced the Email feed, my friends have stopped commenting on my blog. Yes, this is a shameless plow to get comments. I miss comments from my long lost friends from Charlotte, New York, San Fran (Brent is the best commentor ever!) and my traveling Chicago friends. Here, here, and here are some examples of past awesome comments that I no longer get.

*Insert the "I want attention" pout.*

*Frowny face*

At least I have dinner with the ladies tomorrow night (without Internet!) for restaurant week!

In my Mailbox Today....

2009-02-24T21:16:00.004-06:00

Dear Nancy Pelosi,

I understand that the stress you are under to run a bi-partisan Congress (when you clearly don't want to) is high. I sympathize with you in your predicament of growing stress lines on your face.

However, did you really feel like it was a good idea to get botox RIGHT before you were scheduled to sit behind the President during his address to the country this evening? Did you think that we wouldn't notice your lip twitching to the right, which looked at times like you were crazily speaking to yourself?

Next time you would like to make your face permanently smile, please time it better. Jumping up to clap every 5 seconds does not make us stop looking at your twitching face.

Thanks,

Fellow democratic woman that is scared by your face

___________________________________________

Dear Governor Jindal,

Who the fuck are you? No, Seriously. I have never heard your name before today.

You said that the democrats just passed a bill that was irresponsible. What I think is irresponsible is someone letting you get up and blame the current government for borrowing money, when President Bush never vetoed a spending bill and passed the irresponsible bank bailout without strings attached.

It didn't seem you were complaining when the government gave you lots and lots of money to recover from the Hurricane, so it seems funny that you are anti-government money now.

You probably know where you can shove it. Thanks for the buzz kill.

Sincerely,

President Obama in 2012 top supporter

P.S. Check my return address on the front of this letter. If you get elected President in 2012, please send one of your Republican corrupt politicians to shoot me in exchange for my stocks and investments.

_______________________________________

Dear Senator Burris,

When you give a speech, and after you make a confusing comment that every gasps to (something along the lines of never being considered for the Senate seat), that may be a good time to exit. Additionally, if you have several people asking for you to step down, it may be a good time to put your tail between your legs.

Actually, if any Chicagoan has had a converstation, email exchange, IM, or casual beer with Blago - please, stay out of politics.

Thanks,

Frustrated Chicagoan

Me Gusta Mexican Food

2009-02-23T11:53:00.007-06:00

Well, I'm not sure if I found inspiration to write anything witty over the weekend (since last week was such a drag), but what I did find was WARM WEATHER. I was able to walk around in jeans, a t-shirt, and FLIP FLOPS people. Flip Flops. Today's weather in Chicago is 24 degrees, which is up considerably from the weekend.

The super secret location for the weekend was San Diego, CA. Ronald and I surprised my college roommate Kate Rock for her birthday. We had a fantastic time, and ate more Mexican than a human should eat in one weekend (5 separate trips). I also tried something new - In N Out Burger (yes, I did do the fries animal style).

We got to hang out with her friends, meet her boyfriend, and have a fantastic tapas dinner in a cabana.

All in all - a fun filled weekend!

Normalcy, a Short Term Necessity?

2009-02-20T10:18:00.004-06:00

Now that the economy is in the shitter, Playboy is up for sale, 143 of my friends have been laid off, and my 401K has shrunk in half - I am back to a normal routine. Normal in the definition of the word - as in a "society normal", not a "Lori normal".

Let me describe the difference.

Society normal: Get up early in the morning, shower, dress, put on make-up (what?), go to work with gym clothes, eat healthy for breakfast/lunch, work-out after work, go home to my 2.5 kids (2 roomies and Schuby), make dinner, eat dinner, watch crappy DVR, go to bed before 11.

Lori normal: Alarm goes off 18 times and I finally get out of bed - typically there is a hangover involved. Shower if I have time, barely dry my hair, throw on jeans and an old t-shirt, run out the door (forgetting at least 34 things I need that day), get a sausage/egg/cheese burrito for breakfast and a gyro and fries for lunch, skip the work-out because I am to tired, go home and order take out for dinner, drink wine or smoke something lovely, watch hilarious comedy central, stalk people on the Internet, and go to bed sometime around 2am.

Here is where the downward spiral began - I decided to lose weight. That decision sets into motion less drinking, better eating, and working out. Those three right there are major lifestyle changes.

Typically I make this resolution, and someone either has a break-up or some sort of terrible job experience where I have to go out and drink with them continuously until they get another job or another boyfriend. The economy has laid this typically occurrence to rest, as no one has any money to spend for either of these occasions. And apparently, the impending Apocalypse has an effect on your love life - love is definitely in the air right now.

So, net - net, I am going in the absolute opposite direction of my intention - more towards normal and less towards squashing it. My long term plan is to get skinny and then impose utter distruction to society, but - we'll see.

The other thing about this whole "normal" thing is that it makes me boring and uninspired. I have spent all week at work stalking people on Facebook and reading blogs. I have done little work, and very little writing.

Hopefully, this weekend will bring back some inspiration, as I am going to a secret surprise location. More to come on Sunday!

Why you Hate Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T09:21:00.009-06:00

Valentine's Day started as a holiday to celebrate a priest who went against Roman rule to marry Catholic couples, but society has morphed it into a day where you are forced to proclaim your love, and if you do not, you obviously do not care for your significant other - or you are a single, pathetic person.

There are several legends and explanations of who St. Valentine was, but since most of them come from the Catholic Church, which we all know lies and writes their own bible, I have pieced together what I think is the story.

St. Valentine married Catholics against the word of Claudis II. Claudis II wanted to keep men single so that they could serve in his army (he thought married men would not be as willing to sacrifice their lives). On February 14, Valentine was executed due to this. Wikipedia can't seem to decide if he was stoned to death or if he was beheaded (although I have heard the latter before).

There is no record of the feast of Valentine's day until Chaucer wrote about courtly love. If this were the end of the story, I would holy embrace Valentine's day and recommend that we all celebrate the feast, in honor of standing up to the man and proclaiming love.

However, society has taken Valentine's day and twisted and morphed it. It has squeezed the life out of Valentine's day to make it a holiday that we abhor. They have preyed upon the vulnerabilities of insecure women to make it a holiday where if we do not get something wonderful, then we are being rejected or we do not have a secure relationship.

Even worse, we have twisted it so much that it is now okay for single's to turn into frat boys and Tara Reid's on Valentine's day, because we are unhappy and pathetic that we are single. Those singles head out for a night of drunken debauchery, which typically ends with us sleeping with someone we normally wouldn't have.

I implore you - Single women - hold yourself to a higher standard! Don't let the frat boys get up your skirt if they aren't cute enough, tall enough, or nice enough. Relationship women - don't judge your relationship on your V-day interaction. So what if you don't get a frickin' gift, or what you were expecting. Your expectations were probably too high anyway.

How am I spending my Valentine's day?

I am taking care of myself, my fave Valentine of all. The good thing about Valentine's day is that us single's seem to have a lot of free time.

Yesterday I got a haircut; went shopping (which I've been meaning to do forever) and dropped major cash as BCBG and Le Sportsac; and cooked a ridiculously awesome, Top Chef worthy dinner for Lee Anne and I.

Today, I am cleaning and organizing my closet, going to my personal training appointment, doing an hour of cardio, getting a mani/pedi, and going to SoPo for a birthday party.

If all goes according to plan, I will have a great drunken time with friends, end up at a late night bar, followed by late night food (Picante?) and me - passed out with a taco in my bed - ALONE. and happy as a clam. :-)